If Only I Was Someone Else
by pfkman23
Summary: Everyone has secrets. Can a successful man who has a dark past heal from them? But first he has to deal a major life change. Might a brown eyed girl be the key to his ultimate redemption? Rated M for Angst/Violence/Abuse
1. Chapter 1

If Only I Was Someone Else

Summary: Everyone has secrets. Can a successful man who has a dark past heal from them? But first he has to deal a major life change. Might a brown eyed girl be the key to his ultimate redemption?

Just a little plot bunny that's been rattling around in my head for a while. I own nothing. Twilight. The characters are all owned by Stephanie Meyer, her publishers, editors and whoever she gives ownership to. But not to me. For the most part t his story unless otherwise noted will be EPOV.

This story is rated M for abuse/angst/violence. If you are sensitive to these issues, I would advise against reading my story.

A heartfelt thank you to dooba my prereader. She made this story much more palatable. Of course any mistakes are still my own.

Chapter 1: There Aren't Enough Hours

EPOV

A shill buzz woke me from the calm slumber I had settled into that night. I yawned hugely, reaching for the phone ,wondering who it was. Recognition hit me as soon as I realized that foul song was _Barbie Girl_.

"What the hell Alice? This had better be important? It's only..." I sleepily stared at the time on my phone... "4:55 a.m…._"_ I seethed.

She laughed "You're coming to the club with us tonight. And no, you're not getting out of it. Jazz and a few other friends are coming. Your outfit is ready and you'll be absolutely smoking hot."

Even though I was pretty tired, the words came all too easily. "You woke me up before 5 am on a weekday to tell me we're going clubbing? I have work today. _You _have work today. This is totally something you should have texted me about."

And with that I hung up. Yes I know I was being rude, but the damn pixie had no sense of proper decorum for anyone. I would probably get dressed down the next time I saw Carlisle and Esme, but the thing is. She did this to them too. Truth be told, this was the best night's rest I had gotten in weeks. But there is no way I was going to tell anyone that.

I tried to go back to bed but it was utterly useless. With the thought of sleep abandoned, I went into the kitchen to get a pot of coffee going. I knew it was all too early to drink my first cup of coffee and that I would feel like shit in the afternoon, but there was nothing I could do about it. I turned on the TV and watched an early edition of Sports Center to try to pass the time as I hoped my day would improve from how I was woken up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IOIWSE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the god awful wake up call, I ended up going in to work an hour early. I put my things in my locker and went to check at the reception desk

"Dr. Cullen, I didn't expect to see you this early. I thought you were coming in a bit later" Nurse Kate Marshall exclaimed.

"Hurricane Alice," I growled.

"She's a deranged energizer bunny" she laughed, but then her eyes grew huge. "Oh my god I can't believe I just said that out loud. Dr. Cullen, please forgive my unprofessionalness."

I couldn't help but chuckle. "No harm done. It's harsh but true. All of you know how crazy she is."

Truth be told, I was thinking much more vulgar words in regards to my sweet but unstoppable force of nature sister. I thought Kate was letting her off easy. Everyone in our department and quite a few of the other hospital employees knew how she was. But we all loved her or in the very least thought kindly of her.

"Are you joining us at the club tonight?"

Kate shook her head sadly. "I don't think so. I get off late today and I think it's just better if I just crash into my bed. I think I see enough of this place already. I really don't want to be admitted here."

"No truer words have ever been spoken. Speaking of which, did anything happen last night?" I asked.

"Thankfully, no. You just have your scheduled appointments. Your morning seems packed to the gills, but your afternoon is ok. Atleast I hope it is."

"Don't jinx it ok?" I grinned.

As if she was a mind reader, Mrs. Petersen walked in with my first patient of the day.. "Oh, Dr. Cullen, thank goodness you're here."

"What is it? Is everything all right?"

"Thankfully it is. We were just hoping to come in a bit early today, as I have a few errands to run this morning."

"Nurse Kate, could you please get Michelle registered and get her vitals out of the way?" I asked.

"Certainly Dr. Cullen. Mrs. Petersen, if you could please give me her insurance card so we can get her checked in and then we'll get her weight, blood pressure and height all measured for the doctor." Kate replied.

"Mrs. Petersen, I'm sorry, I need to grab a few things and get ready so I'll see you and Michelle in just a few minutes. Kate, I'll be in exam room 2"

"Oh, of course, Dr. Cullen." she replied. "I need to get Michelle registered anyways"

I hurried back to my office to grab my stethoscope as well as bring up her medical record on the computer in the exam room. Normally this was all prepared by nurses before we entered the room, but I didn't really mind doing it at all. It also gave me time to take a few deep breaths as Mrs. Petersen had worried me when she came into the office early.

"Michelle, does anything hurt or feel funny?" I asked my patient.

"No, Doc. The only thing that feels funny are your hands. They're really cold." She giggled. "Are you sick or something?"

"Michelle, that was really rude." her mother exclaimed. "Apologize to Dr. Cullen."

"Mrs. Petersen, it's fine. It's actually pretty funny. Michelle, you know, my mother thinks that I might be a vampire or something. She used to comment on how my hands were really cold or how I never seemed to sleep. I just need to add a pair of fangs and I won't ever need a Halloween costume."

Michelle laughed and even Mrs. Petersen managed to smirk. Truth of it is that I really didn't mind those types of questions. I really didn't want to make this any harder on my patients than it already was. Even as a child I realized that people were uncomfortable going to the doctor and when I went to medical school I hope to change that, in the very least with my own patients. All things considered, it was a natural and logical question.

" So Michelle, how's it going. Are there any new guys in your life? Or how about any new bands I should check out?" I asked.

" No boys Dr. Cullen" she giggled. "And no new bands I don't think. Lady Antebellum and Kanye West do have new CDs though. You might want to give those a shot?" Her voice formed a question there at the end.

"I'll definitely check those out. You know you can find some pretty wild and interesting stuff on YouTube" I chuckled.

"Definitely" She beamed. "There are so many kick ass vids you can find on there."

I knew that the hospital probably frowned on this, but I want to always have some sort of a personal connection to my patients. I saw in medical school that there were many patients who didn't have anyone care about them, but what further broke my heart was when there were kids whose parents really didn't want anything to do with them or who didn't have any loved ones at all.

Mrs. Petersen was a kind woman, but I knew from several years of appointments with Michelle that she was mainly concerned with her own life. They were more like acquaintances than mother and daughter. It saddened me, so I always tried to have a chat with Michelle during our appointments.

I turned to Mrs. Petersen. "Has anything happened since your last visit? Any headaches, dizziness or vomiting?"

"Thankfully, not. Whatever you put her on a few years ago really seemed to straighten her out" she replied kindly

"I'm happy to hear that. Can I assume that an adjustment in dosage or medication isn't needed?"

"No, Dr. Cullen, the current regimen is working just fine."

"Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"I don't think so. Thank you so much for your help today, though"

" See you later Michelle. You have my card, so don't hesitate to contact me if you have any problems."

Luckily the rest of my morning went relatively smoothly, with just the regular check ups, reports and phone calls. After my rough morning I really needed the respite, perhaps even moreso than even I realized. Even so, I was thankful for lunch as I didn't think I could get through another patient without shutting down or wanting to lash out at a patient. And even though everyone would deny it if asked, I knew that I did have a bit of a reputation for being temperamental and short with my colleagues, although I knew that no patient had ever pursued a complaint against me.

When I returned from my lunch at a little café, I was definitely feeling much happier as I made my way through the entrance.

" Yoo hoo, Eddie Boy! Over here!" A nasal voice called. When I turned around I spotted, Irina Denali in a skirt that was definitely more suitable for a club or perhaps even some dingy back alley. The woman made my skin crawl, but given that I was at work, unfortunately, I did have to remain somewhat professional and polite.

"Hello Irina. How can I help you this afternoon?" I replied in as polite, but detached tone as I could muster.

"Oh Eddie, you're so funny. How about you take me to Pampas for dinner tonight?" she crooned.

Even though I was still beyond annoyed at Alice, I was overjoyed at being able to refuse her so easily. "I actually have plans with my family tonight. But even so, Irina, just give it up. I've said no in as many ways as I can so, for the last time… I. Am. Not. Interested."

"I'll make it worth your while" she stated in a voice that I imagine was her pathetic attempt at being seductive. Then she did something that totally took me off guard. She learned in and then grabbed my face.

Everything just went black.

_Too dumb, Cullen. Way too ugly. No way any girl or guy for that matter, could EVER want you. You should have accepted Irina's invitation because other than a 5 dollar hooker, she's the closest you'll get to a good looking woman. _

When I finally opened my eyes, I thrashed and whipped my head from side to side a few times. Slowly but surely I realized I was in one of our exam rooms.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Cullen, did you have a nice nap? I'm Nurse Chang, by the way. I'll let the doctor know you're awake." She then promptly left the room closing the door behind her.

Thankfully, I had a few minutes to myself to assess the carnage that had been caused by my apparent episode. Truth be told, it had been several years since my last black out and a few months since I last heard that voice. My god, just thinking about it makes me want to curl up into a ball and bury myself alive.

The door suddenly creaked open and in stepped one of the last people I would have though to meet at work.

"Afternoon Edward" Dr. Jasper Whitlock said. "How's your head? Are you feeling any better? There are several people who are worried, outside waiting for you."

"I'm fine" I stuttered. What the hell? I don't stutter. This was true for at least the last 15 years. It made me feel like a kid in junior high again. I suppressed a groan. " Just had a bit too much to drink last night. I shouldn't have taken those last 2 shots."

"If you say so, chief." Jasper laughed weakly. "If you're not up to it, I'm sure Alice would understand."

"You and I both know that's a load of shit right?" I asked incredulously.

"It's just as much a load as you just having too many drinks." Jasper replied dryly.

"Just drop it, all right?" I said, tersely.

" Of course, just know that anything you tell me or any other person on staff can and will stay confidential." He reminded me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IOIWSE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After being cleared of a concussion or any other significant medical ailment, I finally made my way back to my office.

"Are you all right, Dr. Cullen?" Nurse Marshall asked. "If you want, I could cancel the rest of your appointments and you could call it a day." She added helpfully.

"No, that's all right, there's only a few appointments I need to see anyways.

"If you say so, Dr. Cullen. Your 3 o clock appointment is here." She added.

Luckily this afternoon when about as smoothly as the morning had. Aside from one slightly overbearing mother, there were no complications so I was able to return home by six with plenty of time to shower and get a fresh set of clothes. I have no idea how I'll survive this. If I don't my cause of death will be death by pixie. Or that's what it should say anyways.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Edward, it's about high time you hung out with your family more." Alice half yelled, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. We were at one of the trendy new clubs _Full Moon_.

Only half yelled because even though it was Friday night and the club was packed, we had one of the VIP rooms.

Only half yelled because even though there were guys from gave me a look of poorly concealed jealousy and anger, we had walls between us and the pandemonium on the main dance floor.

And don't forget the women who had their cleavage almost leak out of their tops. They looked at me with obvious lust and I was sure that if I were normal, I'd already have at least 2 of them with me right now.

Of course, if I were normal, I'd also be leaving with far more unpleasant things. But luckily or not, I'm a social freak.

I guess I should feel lucky that I have Emmett Cullen as a brother and Alice Cullen as a sister. Because of Emmett I'm in shape. Or so I've been told, in too many uncomfortable ways. Because of Alice, I dress reasonably well. . Or so I've been told, in too many uncomfortable ways.

I guess I should be thankful. Most would be, at least according to Alice, who seems to mention it at least once a month. But right now I wish I was a fat, greasy balding man with a beer gut protruding out of my shirt, because then, I would have some peace.

Or at least I would be left alone.

"So Edward, how's life in the dreary halls of Stanford Medical Center these days?" a guy who introduced himself as Seth Clearwater asks.

"You know, patients, paperwork and bureaucratic bullshit" I laugh.

"Just another day in the life of the illustrious Dr. Edward Cullen."

"Of course" I grin, raising my eyebrows to drive home the point.

"Hey Cullen. Nice of you to join the land of the living." A face that I somehow recognize as Paul Lahote calls out.

"But, of course! I mean I do have to keep up with the times or I'll just shrivel up and die."

" Even so, you're not as miserable a piece of shit than I'd expect. And for that I'm grateful." he fires back. "You should come out more."

"Maybe I will and you'll just realize how wrong you are" I fire back before knocking back another shot.

A random guy turns around and a face that can't help but acknowledge as one Jasper Hale starts back at me. "So you finally decided to have a social life? One that doesn't involve your parents or some stupid work thing? I can't believe it, but hell has frozen over. And of course, you're lucid. Or at least I hope you are." He laughs.

"I hope I am too, or else, I'll never have a concrete reason as to why I hate these shit holes." I reply, trying to suppress a grin. Out of the corner of my eye I see some of the softest brown hair and the most gentle doe brown eyes I've ever seen. And just as quickly, she's gone.

_Good god. _ I let out a satisfied puff of air. Umm… what the hell just happened? I've never felt anything for a girl. Good god, the girls here are vile, hormonal and their cosmetic enhancements are anything but.

A firm tap on my shoulder brings me out of my musings.

"I think you're having fun, Edward. In fact, I know you are." Alice smirks at me.

"You know nothing." I glare back. "Absolutely nothing"

"Then why, oh dearest, brother did your face just go blank not 5 minutes ago?

"It's the booze, Alice. I have no idea how many drinks I've had tonight or how I'm going to get home or just how big of a hang over I'm going to have." I growl, a little fiercer than I intended. Of course when I look away, that woman I saw is gone.

_It was only the booze. Just another drunken hallucination._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :( ):~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

A bit late, but what do you thnk? Should I continue with the story?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: This CAN NOT be happening.

The next week at work bit me in the ass. Even though it probably wasn't anything too extraordinary, I could not get into the groove of things. Praise the gods that I didn't have to work overnights or on Sunday because I probably would have killed a patient…. Or myself.

Monday went ok, I guess. It's a Monday. The day that reminds you that life just absolutely sucks. I suppose it was inevitable, but it just was one of those days that I questioned why I decided to become a doctor. In all honesty one of the lowlights of my day was just a mother who was just batty, but luckily her son was more level headed.

_Oh Dr. Cullen, I think Steven needs an x ray. I think he hit his head while he was at school. He probably also needs an EKG and an EEG or a CT scan._

I couldn't help the internal eye roll from coming at that little comment. Of course, her son Steven, all of 10 years old, was remarkably more level headed and logical than she was.

_Mom, you do know that if I had hit my head, the school would have called right? You would have needed to come and get me. We'd probably be stuck in the stupid ER and we would have missed the appointment because of it. Or it would have been unnecessary, as they would have put me through all of that and probably a bunch of other crap too._

I'm not religious in the slightest degree, but I silently praised the Lord at his save, because after her little rant, I all but wanted to ring out her neck. It also didn't help that she was batting her eyes at me. It was obvious that she was trying to be coy about it, but Steven didn't miss a thing. He was rolling his eyes and shooting daggers at her, but surprisingly, he didn't seem too upset with me. Truthfully, I think he just wanted to crawl into a hole and die from the embarrassment. At least I know I would have, if my mother was hitting on my doctor, at the doctor's office, right under my nose.

I think my johnson just got a hell of a load shorter, now that I've had time to think about it.

Of course the nurses started to hit on me again. I guess they were just giving me a break. Or they were just charging them selves up for the next round of "Let's screw with Edward!". Of course there's also Irina who just can't get a clue. I know if she had her way, she'd probably be wearing something a lot more revealing. It would probably be some sort of mini skirt with a too revealing blouse. If I ever went back to Full Moon, which is highly unlikely, I'm sure she would have tried her damndest to get me in the bathroom and do unspeakable things to me.

Unspeakable because there's no way I would have done it willingly.

Unspeakable because there's no way it could have been anything more than an opportunity to take advantage of me.

Unspeakable because if I would have never told anyone, especially that I didn't want it, there's it be a cold day in hell that anyone would believe me. I'm sure they would have thought me a crazy or that I raped her or some shit like that. There's no way she's getting in my pants.

Unspeakable because I'm dirty.

Unspeakable because I'm ugly.

Unspeakable because…. Oh god…

I just made it and was able to completely make my offering to the porcelain gods without any collateral damage.

Why the hell do I even care though? I mean, no girl would willingly ever go out with me. The only reason I'd get a second thought is because I'm a Cullen. Cullen means that I have money and can get a lot of stuff. There's no way a girl would ever want to be with me.

I'm not Alice.

I'm not Emmett.

I'm not even Carlisle or Esme

I'm sure that girls would be more willing to be with Alice than they would be wiling to be with me. Hell, I know for a fact that more than a few nurses and staff members would gladly love to make love to Alice. That includes men and women, and plenty of which are not remotely bisexual or homosexual at the moment. Several of which are not single, I might add. I wonder what their spouses and significant others would think if I told them about their antics.

And even Carlisle has his admirers.

I'm just nasty. And I just want to be left alone. Esme and Carlisle should have just named me Crap Cullen. Or maybe I should have been named "useless piece of shit", because that's exactly who I am.

It didn't help things that on top of Irina's antics that the nurses seemed to restart their campaign to get a date with me. It's the same old story.

Brush against me "accidentally". Drop a pen or a piece of paper. Ask for "help" with another patient. Honestly if they need so much help, maybe they need to find another job. The only person who seems to be leaving me alone is Nurse Marshall. Bless her.

I mean it, Lord, if you're there, help her out.

I suppose I should be enormously grateful. She's pleasant, but not pushy, concerned but not bothersome. In so many ways, she's much more genuine than the members of my own family. She's infinitely better than Alice.

My god, Alice Cullen, you have your own life. Just live it and leave me alone please. It would probably be wise to tell her to her face, for the thousandth time, but I really don't think she'd listen. Hence the thousandth time. She's the baby of the family so Seem and Carlisle indulge her. They don't let her get away with everything, but they let her have her way with things that I don't think she should.

Things such as decisions about our lives. Of course we don't always follow her suggestions, as she puts them, but the firestorm if or when you disagree is epic. There are no words to describe how much trouble you can get into. One of these days it's just to be like the battle of the supernatural forces.

Better than Emmett or Rosalie, or Rose as she likes to be called. The two of them leave me alone for the most part, but that's basically because they don't have the time. Emmett is a successful sports agent. He deals with professional ball players. It doesn't matter if they play American football, baseball, hockey or soccer.

I'm willing to bet that if his agency set up a European office, that plenty of players would love to sign with him. He's that good. Scott Boras, Tom Condon, all those big name agents have nothing on him and they mostly only deal with players from a single sport. Of course, he would have played professional ball himself, but a torn up knee in college ended those hopes.

But becoming a sports agent worked out for him. Seem and Carlisle weren't that supportive at first. They wanted him to go into medicine or law as a more reasonable alternative. But even now, they'll readily admit he's doing great and far exceeding their wildest hopes for him.

Rosalie is a mechanic. It sounds stupid, but she knows cars. She mainly deals with exotics, but I've heard on the grapevine that she has a pretty strong interest in antique and classic cars as well. She and Emmett also have 2 children, Sasha and Eric. So they've got their hands full and no time to pester me about useless nonsense.

But let's get back to Kate Marshall. I'd love to get her something. A bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear, a bowl of fruit, just a little something to say thank you.

Is it a thank you?

Thank you for what? For treating me like a person and not a piece of meat? God, that will go down well. Well, enough to get me fired and a restraining order put against me. I really should thank her in some way though. I probably should ask around about when her birthday is.

And then of course there's the phantom from the club. But no more about her. I was wasted out of my mind and she's probably just a figment of my imagination. Or more likely, she's a figment of my drunkenness. Reality only.

No girl would want me for me anyways. Only for my name and for the money they think I have.

~~~~~~ o ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~

I wake up on Tuesday with much more hope that I ever expected. Maybe if I just concentrate on my work, things will go back to normal. Or normal as I can hope for anyways. Being a doctor, I think normal just means not dead tired or deranged enough to kill patients. Either way, I manage to get a good 5 mile run in before work as well as my standard breakfast of coffee, orange juice and cereal.

"Dr. Cullen, you're looking chipper." Nurse Marshall states happily.

"Chipper? You really think so?" I can't help but cock a brow at her use of the word "chipper."

"Hah, well I just meant you look pretty happy today" she eplains.

"I think the fact that I'm natural disaster free this morning is reason enough, don't you?" I can't help but smile.

"Well that's more than a good enough reason to be so happy" she laughs, understanding my reply immediately.

"I hate to break up our little party here, but what's on the agenda today?" I break in, sad for the first time in a long time to start my work.

"Oh you know, a couple patients. It doesn't look too bad."

"Well let's just hope it stays that way," I smile, "knock on wood."

About 45 minutes later my first patient arrives. Unfortunately it's not entirely routine, but also not totally tragic either. Clarence Wright, a boy of only 7 years old, came in today complaining of a headache.

"Mrs. Wright, how long has Clarence had this headache" I ask.

"Oh for a few days I think she replies"

"Is there any, nausea vomiting or dizziness?"

"No there isn't" Clarence replies.

Truth be told I'm not too worried. In looking at his chart, he does seem to get these headaches every oh so often, but to be cautious I tell his mother that he needs a head CT just to rule out anything more sinister that might not be evident in a brief examination.

My next patient just about makes my day. Mary Anderson is just bags of fun. She's pint sized 6 year old who talks a mile a minute.

"Dr. Cullen, Dr. Cullen, Dr. Cullen" she repeats.

"I'm sure the good doctor's very busy, princess," her father Carl sighs.

"It's all right," I laugh "I have a niece, a nephew and a way too excitable sister"

"Sure, sure. Don't say I didn't warn you" he smirks.

"Did you know some people eat ants?" she asks excitedly, jumping up and down.

"I actually did know that. I've actually had some. "

"You did?" she exclaims.

"I most certainly did. They were ok, but between you and me, I'm not sure I'll ever want to try them again" I smile, winking at her.

"You're so funny" she giggles.

"You know, old people like me and your dad have our moments."

"Hey, who you calling old" he calls out.

"I rest my case."

As I proceed to examine her, I realize the only thing wrong is that her parents might want to cut down on her sugar intake. I even tell her father as much. "The only thing 'wrong' that I could possibly find with her is that you might want to decrease her sugar intake. You know, less soda, cookies, ice cream.."

"Well that's good to know" he sighs, "except we can't control her and lock her away in a tower, if you know what I mean."

"Yes I do, but good luck anways" I chuckle. Despite my horrible Monday, I realize that the energy, hopefulness and happiness exuded by children like Mary is exactly why I do what I do.

The rest of my day goes pretty smoothly. Luckily for me it seems that I've dodged the bullet today as most of my patients are either problem free or relatively accommodating. Even the staff seems to be accommodating with minimal harassment occurring today at my expense. The hospital does have a policy against sexual harassment, so I just wonder if someone might be looking out for me.

Then again, I probably shouldn't be too hopeful. There always was a policy against harassment it stopped no one in the past. Knock on wood or something like that, I guess. Maybe I need to talk to Human Resources or Hospital Adminitratrion about it. For once, I feel really lucky to be a Cullen as I'm sure my complaint will be taken much more seriously given the money we've donated to the hospital and how well known we are.

Every hospital needs money. They always do. There are always sick people to be treated and new treatments and facilities to fund and build. I decide I mostly likely will go to Hman Resources at some point. I'm sure, in the very least, they don't want the Cullen name to sever ties with the hospital and divert some major donations to another facility.

That's another advantage to being a Cullen. We're loyal, even if it drives is to the point to near insanity and we want to kill each other in the end. I'm sure Carlisle won't be pleased if he catches word that his son is being harassed at his place of work. He is the ex Chief of Staff, although he mainly maintains a small practice these days, while maintaining an informal retirement.

As I go out to talk to a few of my colleagues during a lull in the work day, I grow uneasy as it seems there's an eerie amount of calmness in the air. At what seems like warp speed I see a flash of brown hair and innocent eyes. I try to follow her, but she's around the corner and gone just as I think I can ascertain who those eyes and that hair might belong to.

It goes without saying. I'm at work. I work long hours. My mind could be playing tricks on me or someone could be playing a cruel joke on me. There's also a new scent in the air. Some sort of fruit I think. Strawberry? Cherry? Blueberry or plum even?

There really is no time to be thinking about such nonsense, I have patients to see, reports to file and people to meet, so I just file it away and hurry back to my office.

I hurry back to my office, as I do need to have some time to make myself presentable and to read up on my last few patients for the day.

"Dr. Cullen is everything well" the nurse asks.

"Yes, everything is fine," I reply, probably a little more tersely than necessary. "Just make sure that the rest of the necessary medical records are forwarded to my in box. I would like to not have any nasty surprises when meeting out patients."

"Of course, it won't be a problem" she replies, clearly a little bothered.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's just been a long day and I'd love to go home" I reply regretfully, sounding a bit like a pouting child.

"No need to say anything more, Dr. Cullen," she laughs. The relief on her face is clear.

_I really need to work on my work place relationships. _I admonish myself.

She wasn't being impolite or appropriate at all, I realize. It's just casual regular work place concern for a colleague. I'd love to blame my admirers, if you can call them that, for jading my view of the work place and how we interact with each other. But I realize that just as much as I despise people like Tanya Denali, there are people like Kate Marshall who are just regular people and simply concerned, or are probably just concerned enough to want to make it through a work day unscathed. And that's just exactly how I feel.

I scramble to my office as to not extend or exacerbate the awkwardness between us.

I really do need to prepare for these last few patients anyways. I know that while people like getting appointments at the end of the day, they also dread them because they know that their doctors will be itching to get out the door. These patients and their families deserve just as much care as I give my patients at the top of the day.

My last 2 patients for the day are relatively routine, for which I'm grateful, as I'm sure they want to be out the door and go home to relax just as much as I seem to want to. The first of the 2, Tony Sorenson, is relatively routine. He's 4 years old, has mild cerebral palsy. Except for a mild limp, there's not much else wrong with him. After making sure his motor skills are where they need to be, as well as the requisite neurological exam and of course the check in with his mother he's out the door.

Some would probably say he's advanced for his age, but I'm not sure I would ever agree. It seems to me that despite his age, he's been through quite a lot, and for some reason I'm led to believe it's not just because of his medical issues. He definitely didn't fuss as much as I thought he would, it almost was like he has been through this routine hundreds of times all ready and just wanted it to be done with. On the one hand, I was surprised and pleased because it made my job significantly less complicated. But on the other hand, it makes me sad that a child so young could already have gone through so much in his first few years of life.

My last patient of the day, Sarah Gaston, 14 years old and a mild epileptic, just wanted the doctors visit to be over with. I heard her complaining even before I entered the examination room about how much this would eat into her time for homework and probably more importantly some trip that she had planned for later in the week. I was able to work quickly with her, as she had no mitigating circumstances. After finishing with her and wishing them a pleasant evening, I was able to finish up a few charts left undone from the day, as well as some preparation for the tomorrow. I hoped that by working a bit a head that my morning might be a bit less chaotic. Finally after settling everything I need to, I was able to head home.

~~~~~~~ IOIWSE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IOIWSE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I finally entered the door I was greeted with a phone call.

"Hello?" I inquired goggily.

"Hey Edward, it's Rose. I thought we might want to get together, as it's been a while and we just wanted to catch up." my sister in law replied through the phone.

"That's fine... I guess. Wha….what time were you thinking of meeting up?" I asked while trying hard not to fall asleep.

"We were thinking of around six on Sunday"

"That sounds fine, although earlier might be better as I think I need to get in at around 7 am Monday morning" I replied.

"Let's make it an early dinner then. How does 3 pm sound?"

"That's fine. I'll see you then.

"Thanks Edward. Oh I forgot to mention, we invited your mom and dad" And with that the phone went dead."

Well that was a big piece of information to omit, I cursed myself. While I love and respect my parents, it's clear that I'm a disappointment. They have their baby and they have their success story. I guess a family isn't complete without a misfit or drug addict.

Absconding with my usual no drinking on work days rule, I poured myself two fingers Glendronach and went to decompress on the couch.

Luckily, the droning of the television was abke ti calm me somewhat. Only somewhat, because I was sure that my parents would want to set me up with someone yet again. I sighed as I just hoped that I would live to see past the weekend, Rosalie and Emmett were fine, but dealing with them in addition to my parents is going to be too much.

As I awoke on Wednesday, I didn't quite feel the calm I felt yesterday, but the feeling is definitely better than what I felt on Monday. Anything is better than Mondays. Well maybe working a double on the weekends is worse, but it's been a long time since I've done that.

Given that I was running ahead of schedule, I decided to head out for an easy 6 miler. As I raced through the neighborhood, the remnants of the stress from last night's phone call with Rosalie slowly left me. I guess there's not much to worry about. The worst case scenario is obviously that they try to set me up on a date with a daughter of one of their friends. I could always decline, despite the ire I'm sure would be directed toward me, but it's my life. And I'm sure that Emmett and Alice will provide my parents with more than enough grandbabies to spoil.

Once I entered the Pediatric Neurology department and asked about the agenda for the day I was informed that I had only two patients, but I did have to meet with some of the hospital administration as well as some big donors about some new project that they had to expand the hospital.

_What do they want me for?_ I wondered _I'm sure Dr. Gerandy or even Jasper would be more qualified for this. _My dad would also be a much more qualified liason, as not only did he know many important donors, he was also familiar with the workings of the administration. Heck, even a few of the nurses would probably be a better fit.

Without further ado, not an hour later I had my first of my two patients for the day. At all of 4 months old, Josephine Stevens was just adorable. It was clear that she was a very happy baby. Unfortuantely she suffers from mild to moderate hydrocephalus. Given her history and what I knew was to come, it was very hard for me to stomach. Usually I was able to stay relatively detached, but for some reason, my heart broke a bit for this little girl. In the best of scenarios, she has a series of shunt revisions ahead of her. She's also going to be different.

My god I hope her classmates and peers aren't too hard on her. Maybe just tease her a little bit. Just let her have it easier than what happened to me. Anything but that. Just anything.

Luckily, I was able to pull myself out of my musings before drawing undue attention to myself. _It's not your time to throw your own pity party! _Furthermore, my little trip into my mind goes seemingly unnoticed. After all, the one thing that I'm not a complete pathetic piece of shit in is my work.

Aside from the fact that she's a bit distressed at being held down and examined, she's fine, much to her mother's relief.

My last patient of the day is 15 year old, Brian Waters. I've seen him for he last few years, and I've been able to look at his medical file, so I pretty much know what to expact from him. I'm a bit anxious about my upcoming meeting, so much to my relief, this only seems to be a routine visit.

"Hey Doc, am I finally gonna die yet?" he fires at me.

"Well Brian," I start "I didn't think coming to my office would get you that sick. Unless of course, you brought the plague or some sort of pox with you from wherever you've been this past year."

His mother looks initially alarmed, but once she sees my grin she visibly decompresses. This is just another part of the relationship we've built over the years, of which I'm pretty happy, as I'd rather it be biting sarcasm as opposed to open antagonism, which unfortunately happens in my line of work.

"Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. So let's just see how bad I've gotten already"

Fortunately or not, he's got a clean bill of health. I tell him and his mother as much and with a final roll of the eyes from my patient and a thank you from his mother, I'm now back in my office. I take some time to think about Brian because he's older than most of the patients I've seen recently. I'm pretty happy that he's more or less unaffected by his medical ailment. Even though I'm pretty sure people notice that he's different, he seems to carry himself well.

I turn around and see Aro and Caius Volturi of The ACM Medical Society walking down the hallway so I'm once again flabbergasted as to why I'm being selected for this meeting. I still think that my father or Dr. Gerandy would be much more qualified than I am to handle these types of matters. That being said, if ACM is involved and I'm being asked for any direct imput, I'm sure that someone wants the Cullen family's support and probably a hefty donation as well.

As I make my way to the conference room where this showdown is going to take place, it takes all the strength I have not to break out and shut down. To their credit, the hospital has talked about this expansion for years. It seems that over the years that many of the top pediatric specialists want to come here, so it's natural and even welcome that this expansion takes place. However it certainly is very new that they'd want such an inexperienced negotiator representing either the hospital or the Cullen family.

_Carlisle is going to give me hell for today. I just know it. _

I take the last few steps, open the door and walk into my own personal hell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 0 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 0 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dr. Edward Cullen! Such a pleasant surprise to see you!" Aro called out.

_Time for the circus to begin _I thought bitterly

"Aro, it's been too long. How's your Supcia and the kids? Not driving you too crazy I hope."

"They're fine, although my grandkids are the ones who keep me on my toes these days. The kids though are managing. I think, even though it's been a few years, they're still having trouble adjusting to being parents. Sometimes it's hard to remember who are the kids in the equation," he laughs, shaking his head.

"Good morning, Caius. I hope the morning has been treating you well. Better than your brother at least"

"Good Morning, Dr. Cullen. It's been too long. You really shouldn't hide out so much. We always have such a pleasant time. Maybe after this little meeting here, you'll consider making a bit more than an annual appearance?" he asks a bit hopefully.

"You know I'll give it the consideration it deserves."

"Gentlemen, I do believe we're here to discuss business" Dr. Uley cuts in, a little more curt than necessary. Aro shoots him a brief incredulous look, but recovers quickly. So quickly I'm not sure Dr. Uley even noticed.

_Looks like I've hit a sore spot._ Sam is usually pretty much all about business so his reaction is a bit shocking. At least it should be. I've heard around the grapevine, mainly through my parent's society friends, that Dr. Sam Uley is more than a bit irritated at me. The popular rumor is that he's worried that I'm going to take his job. Or at least that the board will try to force him out and insert me as his successor. Of course it's a load of nonsense.

"So Aro, what brings you to us here," I ask politely, more than a bit genuinely curious. I've been told next to nothing, so I'm pretty much flying by the seat of my pants and it's unnerving. I'm pretty sure they can feel the fear rolling off my face. _Dammit, dammit, dammit._

"As I'm sure you've heard, we're looking to help the hospital expand their pediatric services facilities. The current facilities are wonderful, as I'm sure you know, but we think they could be better."

Caius continues, "With this being the premier destination hospital for all things pediatric, we were thinking that the time to expand is now. There's not much on the west coast in general, so we're thinking this a more than prime opportunity of course for the hospital, but also for the region as a whole. A smile has formed on his face by the end of his little spiel.

Before I can stop myself I hear myself entering the fray, "How do I fit into the equation? I just work here."

"Edward," Aro starts "You're one of the best and brightest minds in this hospital. We were thinking that you'd be the natural choice to run the new Pediatric Neurology department."

Wait…. what? Run a department of my own? Aside from the obvious, like how I'm really inexperienced and not a people person at all, do we even have enough doctors to make a new department?

As if he's reading my mind, Caius quips, "Did you really think anything less? I'm really curious, what did you think would happen when you were asked here?"

"Well.… I uh…. I just thought that you might want my insight. You know, views from the front line or something like that." I stammer, of course making a fool out of myself. And this folks is why I'm totally unqualified for this shit. I can't get through a normal work place conversation without making an idiot of myself.

Aro laughs, "Well of course we want to know what our doctors and patients seem to think of the proposal. You guys are the ones who will be most affected, in the near and long term so we definitely want to know what you think.

At that moment it dawns on me. My presence here not only represents me, it also represents my family and more importantly my colleagues and my patients. What I have said and will say going forward will determine the type of care that they get for decades to come. It makes me almost ill to think that they could choose an incompetent nitwit like me to handle such an important job. This is way out of my league.

Cauis quips, "Of course we care what you think. It seems to me that you're really well like liked and respected…"

I can't help myself. "I'm not so sure about that."

Undeterred, he carries on "Really, you're one of the best. Do you know that we have patient satisfaction surveys right?"

I can't help but cock a brow at this. I know the hospital has an occasional questionnaire that they ask some patients to fill out about how their visits are, but how ACM fits into this is still beyond me. If Sam is letting them take a look at these surveys I'm pretty sure it's a breach of patient confidentiality in the very least. I don't want to mention it, but I think it really does bear saying, especially the legal ramifications if this comes out.

Dr Uley finally inserts himself, "In our surveys, we've found that you come out with the highest number of positives overall among all of your colleagues. If it's not the highest, it's certainly near the top." I can see the pain in his voice when he says these things, but I can also see the truthfulness. "When Aro and Caius approached me about building the new pediatric wing, they asked about who they thought could really realize the vision of what this could mean for the hospital. You are one of the best…"

_And of course, one of the only ones who has a rich daddy to pump money into the hospital_.

"The patients really respond well to you. Whatever you do, I'm sure many of our doctors could take some lessons from you. And thus…. we want to you to head our new Pediatric Neurology department. The head of neurology is retiring soon anyways, so I and the rest of the board don't anticipate any problems with appointing you head of a new department. We're already had preliminary discussions…."

"Sorry, this is just a lot to take in at once," I laugh humorously "This was definitely not what I had though coming into this meeting. Not at all."

" So we gathered," chuckles Aro. " You're more modest than what I remember. You've got a gift. This little meeting tells me you'll be perfect for the job."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I'll need to take time to decide. It's a really big decision and I wouldn't want to do anything rash without thinking it through. I'm curious though, don't you want to hold interviews to make sure you hire the right person?"

"Of course." Dr. Uley replies.

Cauis adds " Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will the new wing."

Aro cuts in "I'm sorry to cut our party short, but we really should get going."

" It's completely understandable. Maybe we could meet with my father to discuss things futher. I'm sure he has some unique insights that you'll want to hear." At this point it's clear Sam Uley is the odd man out. This more or less confirms my suspicions about his wanting to show me up, although I'm sure he'll never admit to it. I never knew Sam Uley to be a beaurocrat or to play stupid political games. He should know by now that I don't really care play those games, but I'm sure I'll need to be extra careful in the next few months if I want to keep my nose clean.

After saying a few parting words to each other, I head back to my office to see if I have any patients following my meeting. For this most part I think it has gone pretty well. But there's some definite underlying hostility and jealousy from Sam that I need to watch out for.

"How many patients are on my schedule for the rest of the day?" I ask the receptionist.

" None, actually. We were told that you'd be finished for the day. Maybe you should go home. You know you have a full schedule for the rest of the week so why not take off and sleep while you can?"

" Sure. If I'm not needed, I should probably do that. Have a nice day then. I hope you're not too busy."

And with that I head out.

Ugh. Just ugh. Shit. I haven't felt this tired, exhausted, beaten up in a long while. I would say I feel like I've been run over by a truck, but that would be a lie. Being run over by a truck would seem oddly comforting. For this first time in what seems like forever, I'm actually considering taking a few days off. I'm sure that people think I'm already a weird and twisted fuck, so this might just put some icing on the cake. If I want to be optimistic about it, maybe all the disgusting women at the office will finally leave me alone.

"What to do, what to do, what to do." I chant

I settle on plopping myself in front of my TV and watching ESPN. It's pretty rare that I get home at a somewhat reasonable hour so this is a treat. Of course the fact that it's the middle of the day means that there's nothing really good on right now. But honestly I don't give a shit. I'm dead tired and I feel myself falling asleep so I just let myself go.

When I finally open my eyes it's dark out. I walk into the kitchen and check the clock while pouring myself a glass of orange juice.

6:45pm so not too too laste.

I hear something rustling by the door and go to answer it or check it out. The neighborhood kids must be pulling some shit again. They're really not bad kids, although finding your house Tee Pee'd abruptly is definitely not on my list of fun things to come home to or to wake up to. I'm sure that if I had a dog or something, I wouldn't be so tempting, but oh well.

I open the door and I can hear a gasp of air….

~~~ 1 1 ~~~~~ 11 ~~~~~~

_So there's chapter 2. I'm genuinely curious about what you think of the story. Is it even worth posting more? A heartfelt thank you of course goes out to dooba, my prereader. Without you, it would be ugly._


	3. Chapter 3

Here's Chapter 3. Just be forwarned, it is kind of a slowish burn and the way I've set things up, the traditional Cullen dynamics won't necessarily be in place.

This chapter is unbeta'd/preread so if it's gibberish, then it's my fault alone.

Chapter 3

I look down and I see of all things, a baby. A baby? Is this some sort of a sick joke? There's a baby carrier with the baby in it, what I assume to be a diaper bag and a suitcase.

What the fuck?

Who the hell does this type of shit? And of course what kind of twisted fucker does this type of shit to me?

Of course I need to hurry to get all of this stuff in my house. I don't really have nosy neighbors, but then again, I've never seen a a living creature, much less a human being let on anyone's front porch.

Luckily this is California and not some god forsaken place like Alaska, New York or Seattle where the weather tends to be a lot less friendly.

I probably should check on the baby first, but with my adrenaline pumping I open the suitcase first. Right on top I find a note

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IOIWSE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Dear Edward,_

_ There's just no way to tell you this but you're a father. This is your daughter Christine Elizabeth Cullen. I used your name instead of mine, because I know she's yours. I know the doctor in you is going to probably want to do a paternity test so do it. Just know that she's yours. I know she is. There's no doubt in my mind. I just want you to know that I'm not some spiteful bitch and I really did intend to raise her myself. Something happened and it's not going to happen, so I decided to give her to you. You'll be a great father. I know we only really joked about kids, but you know what happens when people get together._

_In this bag you'll find some clothes and a few of her things. You'll also find her birth certificate._

_Sorry I couldn't tell you this in person._

_Love always._

_Kebi_

Holy fuck.

Holy fuck.

Actually holy fuck doesn't even cut it. I guess the baby or Christine I guess must have baby ESP or some shit as she starts whimpering right as it seems like I'm going to have a panic attack.

"It's all right baby" I say/plead. The last thing I need right now is some burly police officer breaking down my door.

"Holy shit" I hiss before I can stop myself. This of course only makes her go into a full blown cry. With that, I manage the thing I thought I'd never have to do ever again.

I call my parents.

Luckily, my father answers after the fourth ring. "Dad, can you come over? Something happened and I need you and mom right now."

"Of course, son. Anything. Mind telling me why?"

"Just come over. I'm still not sure what happened myself and I'd rather you be here in person before things get any worse.

"All right son, I'd really like to know more, but your mother and I will be there in about 15 minutes."

"Thanks Carlisle"

With that, I may have just saved this little one's life. Now I'm not some sick fucker or anything like that, but I have no experience with babies.

None at all.

Now I can't believe I'm admitting this, but as a pediatric neurologist I did have _some_ experience, as in, I've held a few as well as even changed few diapers in medical school. Of course I did have to baby sit for Rose once or twice, but what the fuck. She's mine? By some stroke of God or whatever force controls the universe she managed to stop crying.

All of a sudden I hear footsteps and a knock at the door. "Mom, dad, it's open!" I call.

They walk in and I can already hear Carlisle ask

"Edward, you should know by now that I trust your judgment, but you did sound awfully cryptic on the phone."

"Carlisle, I'm in the family room and I'm a bit occupied right now" I reply, still trying not to panic.

As they come into view I can finally see their faces. Surprise. Anger. Fear. Happiness. Elation. Oh shit..

"What is _she_ doing here?" I growl not bother to look at my parents still staring straight at Alice.

"She wanted to come along and we couldn't really say no…." my father begins.

"Of course, anything for daddy's little princess" I seethe. "Well make sure you behave yourself. There are children present!"

"Well I…" Alice begins.

"Carlisle, Esme, this is Christine Elizabeth Cullen. She's my daughter."

"Edward, how did this happen" my mother asks.

"It was Kebi. After that one dinner we came back and well one thing led to another…. And now we have Christine" I deadpan.

"Where is she anyways?" my mother inquires.

"I have no idea. I woke up from a nap, heard a noise and there she was. Mom, dad. I'm utterly terrified. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing"

"Edward, language." Always a mother, even in times of epic tradgedy Esme needs to chastise me.

"Mom, I'm sorry, but I'm utterly terrified. I've been on the verge of a panic attack since I found her." Of course at the very moment she starts to wail…

"I'm sure she's just hungry. When was the last time she ate?" my mother sighs. "You do have some formula right"

"I think so? I actually don't know when the last time was…" I haven't had time to go through the suitcase, but I hope to god that Kebi didn't leave me with nothing.

Luckily, a few minutes later, Carlisle comes back with a bottle. I awkwardly shift her into the crook of my arm and stick the bottle in her mouth. Thankfully she starts sucking greedily. I internally let out a huge sigh of relief.

" Son, I think that regardless of what Kebi said, you need to get a paternity test done."

" I completely agree with you, dad. But I think she's actually mine. She's the only girl I've ever been with." I admit sheepishly. My face suddenly feels hot, I'm sure a full blown blush has engulfed my face.

_Fuck my life…._

I see that Christine is done eating so I burp her.

" Edward, I think you and your father need to talk. I'll take little Christine here and you and Carlilse go talk." My mother states half ushering my out of the room. I reluctantly hand her over. Oddly I feel if something is missing the second the baby is out of my arms, but I have to ignore it. And of course I see Alice in the corner of my eye just about burst with excitement. But undeterred, I walk with my dad to the kitchen.

" Son, I meant what I said before. You really need to know if she's yours." My father begins.

" Da…. Carlisle. I know that. It's just. I can't put my finger on it. Of course I'll get a paternity test done. That was one of the first thoughts I had once I saw her."

_Kebi even mentioned it. _I think bitterly.

"It's just… I feel empty or something without her. It just feels wrong. I've known her for less than an hour and…"

" Edward, I think you're starting to realize what it means to be a parent. I hate to say it, but she just might end up being yours. Of course you need to deal with a few things first. Babies do need a few things and you're not exactly equipped for a baby…

We're interrupted by wailing. I rush back into the family room without thinking and just about lose it when I see what has happened. Alice has Christine in her arms, but the baby is wailing and red in the face.

"Alice, you better give her to me right now before you cause any more havoc in my house." I half spit.

" Edward Anthony Cullen I never..."

" Alice, I really don't care about your stupid explanations right now. Maybe you should go tell someone who actually cares what you have to say." All the while I awkwardly wrestle her from Alice's arms.

" Shhh… you're fine. Nothing's wrong.." I coo, truly being clueless as how to even begin to help her. _I mean I want to, or I should want to anyways. Isn't that what parents do? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?_

"What happened anyways? She was ok when I left her but evidently she didn't stay that way."

" Well I was holding her and Alice wanted to hold her as well so…" my mother starts.

" I didn't do anything." My sister pouts.

" Evidently not. Babies just spontaneously start crying" I bark back. Stranglely enough, it's a miracle Christine seems to have quieted down and has even dozed off.

" Isn't that just a sight to see. She all ready knows who her daddy is."

"Esme, I really don't think that's possible. She's all of what? Two months old? And let's not forget that we've just met. I hardly think that it's possible she knows who I am. Babies can't recognize much of anything, much less who their parents are…."

Of course I knew this was a lie. I knew that it was accepted that babies knew who their mothers were, but given that I wasn't a woman I figured I'd just leave that out for now.

" Edward, I really think you need to read this"

I only now realize that Carlisle has finally reappeared with a folder of documents in his hands.

"The birth certificate does indicate that you're her father. Regardless, you need things for our granddaughter. I'm sure that Alice and your mother would be more than happy to shop for her tonight."

" Of course we would. I can't wait to dress her up and make her the prettiest baby in town." My pixie of a sister all about keels over with glee.

I've finally reached my breaking point. "Alice, you will do no such thing. Mom, if you'd like to shop for her that'd be great, but I'm done with Alice. You can see yourself out."

"Edward, I didn't do anything. I was just saying…" my sister starts.

" But we all know you were going to. And what if I refused? What then, Alice?"

"Edward! Alice didn't mean…." My father starts.

" Carlisle, Alice has always been your little princess who can do no wrong. When she was little, it was cute. But you've done nothing to discipline her or to curb this behavior. She's only gotten worse."

" Edward, you know I could always take her or Rose and Emmett I'm sure would love another baby in the house.." my sister starts smugly.

She's good I'll admit. Under normal circumstances, I'm sure I'd bow to her wishes, but not now and never again.

I slowly realized that I couldn't just think of myself anymore. Christine had to be considered as well.

" You could take her, Alice? You? You do realize that you can't just dump off a baby like you can a puppy or leave her like a pet. That means no more shopping trips and no more beauty sleep…. But you know what? I'm done with you. Get out and don't come back. You're no longer welcome here."

I turn back to my mother. "Esme, I would greatly appreciate if you would shop for the baby. Of course if you won't I will."

" No no, Edward. You just take care of little Christine at home tonight. I'll handle everything." My mother replies. Without another word she's out the door all but towing my sister with her.

" Edward, you need to apologize to Alice." My father says sternly. I really didn't realize he was still in the room. Any more of these types of surprises and I'll need to get my head readjusted from all the whiplash I've had tonight.

"No, dad. I really don't. I meant what I said. We all understand that Alice is the baby. That she's the unexpected gift to you and Esme. But now she's an adult. An adult who can, and should be held accountable for her actions. She's an adult who does make mistakes and can harm people's lives. I really don't want her bullying ways as a part of my daughter's life. And you shouldn't either."

By now my father basically has his eyes out of his sockets. I'm sure it's due to the fact that no one has ever talked back to Alice, or at least not in any way where she doesn't get in the last word or in the very least have Carlisle out to rescue her.

"I really want you and mom as a part of our lives. But I'm willing to not have that if Alice is a part of the equation. She has harmed me and others in the past and you guys have never really cared. All you've cared about is whether she was hurt. It didn't matter if she was the cause of the problem. She's no longer a child and she needs to be able to control herself and deal with being rejected and refused."

" Edward, I'm sorry. I just wanted what was best for the family." My father admits.

" Is what was best whatever made Alice happy? Is that your definition of best? Because for over 20 years, it sure as hell seemed like it."

Shit. Before I could stop myself, the words just starting flying out of my mouth "Did you even care about what I wanted or what was actually best for _me_? I get it though. She's your little princess. The gift god sent you when you thought you weren't going to have any more. You finally get your little girl after two boys. Did you even care when she hurt me? Tell me!"

"Edward, I'm sorry."

Because I know I can't hold on any longer, I put Christine back in her carrier. Thank god she doesn't wake up. Before I know it, my body starts shaking so I sit down on the couch, drawing my knees to my chest.

"Son, are you all right?"

It takes more strength than I thought ever possible, but I manage to spit out, "I think you'd better leave now. It seems we're done here. I think it'd be best if no one knows about tonight."

Out of the haze I can see my father utterly motionless. If I wasn't frozen within myself I'd laugh and call him a vampire or some shit, but I can't do much else than just sit there, tremble and wallow in my own shit of a self. He reaches out hesitantly, but just stays where he is…

We stay there for god knows how long, but the next thing I know I hear the door open and several boxes being dropped to the ground.

" Edward, Carlisle, you better come handle this" My mother calls.

" I'm on my way dear. Edward, just needs a little time to himself…."

I try to disentangle myself from my panic attack, in order to help, but it's pretty slow going. God damn. It's actually been pretty long since I've had a full blown panic attack and I'm lucid enough to know that I can't afford to have one with Christine in the house. I can't afford to give Alice and my family any ammunition to taker her away from me.

In a flash, Esme suddenly appears before me. " Edward, you don't look well. I was hoping to get your input on the things I bought tonight, but if you're not able, I understand."

" Mom, I…. I….I'll help… of course…" I wheeze, but that's much easier said than done. My muscles seem to be locked down. I try to move, but it's really slow going. Before I know it, there's a mass load of things before me. Of the things I can recognize, I see several baby bottles, a changing table, a portable crib sort of thing and a mass of other junk.

"Holy shit, who knew someone so small could need so much stuff." I groan.

Carlisle almost instantly chuckles at my outburst. "You've only just begun to see the amount of stuff you need. And between you and me, don't let your mother or Alice hear about what you said or you'll consider today's amount a pittance and a gift."

I can feel my eyes widen as Carlisle just grins at my plight. _Oh my god what I have gotten myself into._ I try my best to somewhat make myself useful. "I think Christine's room should be the room next to mine." I offer, trying to regain control of the situation and more importantly to my mental state.

"That sounds fine son" My father replies finally regaining a less devious look on his face.

"Edward," Esme begins, finally reentering the room. " I think, for now, Christine needs to be with you"

"She is with me" I reply back, dryly, trying my best not to roll my eyes like a teenager. She _is_ with me isn't she? I don't even know where she's coming from.

"What I meant was, she should sleep in your room" my mother continues, undeterred by my response or my attitude.

Huh? What? What the fuck is she talking about? That's just so damn creepy and wrong on so many levels.

I can't help but shudder and I feel myself start to convulse at her response.

_I'm not a pedophile._ I chant to myself.

More importantly though, I can't wait to hear what everyone will think once they get the news. Given that Alice knows, it's probably water under the bridge, but gah.

Esme puts her hands up, seemingly reading my mind. " What I mean is, she's still young, even for a baby, and you're a new parent. It'll be easier for you to not have to get up and go to the nursery multiple times a night to feed her. And more importantly it'll be safer and much more convenient. If you want I could stay with you for a few days to help ease the transition. Speaking of which, I think you need to take the rest of the week off. I'm already going to take a week off to help you and Christine adjust to each other."

"Esme, I really don't think it's wise for you to stay here. You can stay at home with Carlisle."

Once again I'm at a loss where this is coming from. What I know, though, is that I under no circumstances want my mother staying with me. I can't help myself as my face sours at the suggestion.

"Regardless, I'm coming back tomorrow to help you get properly situated. We also need to buy furniture and plenty of other things." My mother firmly states, clearly leaving no room for negotiation.

" Ah, ok" is the only reply I can offer.

Clearly this is going to give me a heart attack, stroke or if I'm lucky, an aneurism.

Once again, as if like clockwork, the baby starts to wail again. "I think someone's hungry for her dinner." My father replies, entering the room. I can't even say I remember him leaving the room. But then again, it's clear that I've missed a lot today. Some doctor I am.

He hands me a bottle. "Edward, you really need to learn how to do this. Food is one of her basic needs and you really can't ignore it."

I awkwardly cradle the baby in my arms and put the bottle in her mouth. It takes few minutes, but she's evidently satisfied and her cries subside. After she's done with her bottle, I burp her.

_Yes, Edward Cullen isn't a total invalid and blind to the needs a baby. _

I now only notice that Alice isn't here, but I of course realize that I did kick her out. Her tenacity does worry me and I guess I at least need to inform Rosalie and Emmett of the new addition to my family. I also notice that I'm really stiff and thirsty.

" Esme would you mind taking Christine for a bit? I need to handle a few things" I inquire.

She initially looks at me with wide eyes but quickly recovers. "Absolutely, Edward Of course I'd love to get to know my granddaughter, too" she croons. _Croons?_

I take the now empty bottle with me to wash and once I'm done with that I brush my teeth and start surveying the damage, as I haven't really had a chance to look at what was purchased. Most of it's pretty boring and standard stuff that I've seen while at the hospital or the rare occasions I've been to Rosalie and Emmett's over the years. I look curiously at the box marked as some sort of a baby carrier, as it looks more like some demented back pack or something like that. I shake my head as I hear Carlisle states,

"We'll be there for you, Edward. You'd be a fool or just naive not to be scared, but you seem to be managing pretty well given the circumstances."

I can only roll my eyes, as I'm just at a loss for words. Suddenly I hear an ear piercing cry come from the family room. I hurry back and see a red faced Christine being rocked and shushed by Esme.

My heart warms at the sight, but Esme actually shuffles over and hands over the baby. I stare at her incredulously.

" Mom, I really don't think that I'm the one who's really able to calm her down and besides, you're better at it than I am."

" Nonsense Edward. And even if that were true, she's your daughter and you definitely need to learn how to handle when she's upset. Babies cry. Sometimes they do it for no apparent reason, but you need to try to comfort them anyways. It's not always going to work or be easy, but she needs to know she feels loved. You know that giving a baby a good head start in life is important and this is one of the most important parts of that. And besides look..." She breaks from her little rant and beams. " Looks like someone just wanted her daddy."

My eyes widen at that.

_She's nuts, absolutely fucking nuts. There's no other way to explain it. Of course she's not the first woman I've seen turn to goo at the sight of a baby._ I can't help but look down and see that indeed she isn't crying or even upset anymore.

I think.

There is absolutely no way my mother is right about this though.

"All right. I think it's about time we let the little one here see some more of the house." I sigh, moving up the steps toward my room.

I hear footsteps behind me so I assume my mother is following me up, but I can't really afford to look back as I've got Christine in my arms.

_No need to send Christine to the hospital any earlier than necessary._

I survey my room and I'm silently glad that for the most part, things are intact. The notable changes that I can notice are the addition of a bassinet to one side of my bed, as well as a small stack of diapers and onesies on top of my dresser.

"We'll get the nursery finished in the next few days, but for now, I think this is fine." Esme muses, clearly a bit eager for my reaction.

"I guess that's ok, but I really need to do something about work. And I'm still not so sure about the baby sleeping in my room. It just seems weird and well, I need my own space and I'm sure she'd like hers too." I almost grumble.

For the first time in a while, I see some steel in my mother's eyes. " Edward, you have a baby now. Space is something you can reclaim later. And besides, at 2 am in the morning, you'll be extremely thankful that you only have to turn over to feed her, as opposed to walking out of bed to the nursery."

Of course my mother forgets that I'd still need to go to the kitchen to make a bottle for her and then climb back up. But the look on her face shows that she's not in the mood for an argument, and truth be told, neither am I.

My mind wanders back to the offer mom made about moving in and I consider broaching the offer again. On the one hand, I'm pretty sure I'll go nuts with her in the house, but on the other hand, I'm all ready scared shitless at the prospect of taking care of a baby.

So I begin as diplomatically I can. "Mom you mentioned about moving in for maybe a few nights? How would that work exactly?"

My mother's eyes widen, as that's clearly not what she was expecting me to say. "Well you know, it's not too uncommon for new parents to have some help the first few days following delivery and even though I know it's not exactly what's going on here, I figured you might need a hand. Of course I'd stay in the guest room…"

My stomach tightens, but then releases as the significance of her words hits me.

"Edward, I've know people who have prepared for a new arrival for years and when the baby finally came, they still felt like they were run over by a train. It's a huge change for anyone. Much less a man who didn't even know he had a child, but then was suddenly forced to be the sole caregive overnight. No one expects you to do it alone. And besides, I helped out Emmett and Rose when they had their kids too." She winks at her last statement.

Of course I knew that she helped out Emmett and Rose. We all did, but then the significance of her statement hits home. She knows I don't really want to admit being weak. Or maybe she doesn't know, but she said the right thing anyways. It's like she's reading my mind. Of course she also reminds me of two more things I need to deal with.

I need to tell Emmett and Rose. In the very least they need to find this out from me. Now how to tell them is the hard part.

I need to deal with work and what to do with Christine. I've heard that we have some sort of on site day care for the employees of the hospital, but given that I've never had a kid before, obviously I've never cared.

" Mom, I… I'm worried about Alice. Well, mainly I'm worried about how she'll react to things, especially after today." Now of course I am worried about Alice and how she'll react, as she's always been the baby of the family. I'm mainly concerned to how she'll respond to the fact that she might feel like she's getting displaced.

Atleast as it concerns Esme.

It might turn ugly and fast.

I can't have Christine exposed to that. And also, talking about Alice is much easier than admitting I need to talk to Rose.

" I really don't think you need to worry about Alice, honey. I don't think she'll cause you any more problems, and I'm sure if she tries, you'll handle her. You sure did today anyways. " she winks at me.

" I also need to tell Rosalie and Emmett" I sigh, shaking my head. "I'm not even sure how to handle that. I'm not even sure what I fear more. Dealing with Alice or dealing with Rose." A bitter chuckle escapes my throat before I can even stop it.

"Well, Rose shouldn't be too too hard. I'm sure she'll come around. I mean she does have kids of her own after all, so she should realize how much of a change this is for you. Kids change people, Edward. She of all people knows that and she'd be delusional to admit anything but. Just be honest and I'm sure she'll come around. It's really nothing to worry about. Rosalie cares about you very much."

" Well if you say so. Speaking of which, did you actually want to spend a few days? Or were you just being polite?" I decide to cut to the chase, as I'm sure it'll avoid a dust up later if we don't.

" Edward, having a baby is an extremely joyous occasion. Usually, anyways. You need time to digest it all, and dealing with a baby won't help that. Of course I'd love to help. It's not everyday that a mother gets to see her son have a baby arrive at his doorstep unannounced…"

I cringe at the word _unannounced_. "Mom, if you don't mind, I'd like to keep this on a need to know basis…"

" Of course son, you'll be busy enough anyways." She demurs.

" So did you have a bag packed all ready or do you need to head back to the house" I inquire.

" Edward, your father went home to get my bag. Regardless of whether you said yes today, I figured one day soon I'd be coming over here. And like I said, I've done it for Rose and now I'll do it for you. And I'm glad to do it. You're not a burden at all. The only burden is seeing you struggle so much with yourself. Tonight I'll be just a few doors down and tomorrow I'll make sure this house really is ready for Christine. Let me take Christine and go get a shower. You'll need it. Make sure you call in to work and at least take the rest of the week off."

Without hesitation I hand over my daughter. Even though I still have some doubts, they are definitely fleeting at this point. Even if she isn't biologically mine, I'm going to make sure she stays in my life. I probably should look into becoming a foster parent.

As the water pours down my head, the weight off all that's transpired today finally hits me and I'm crushed. My god, when I woke up today, it was just a normal boring day and it was still that when I came home this afternoon. Oh how times have changed.

I feel like I'm drowning and I really don't even know why.

I shut off the water gasping for air. Luckily I'm able to calm myself relatively quickly.

The call to the hospital is relatively easy. I call up the department and take the rest of the week off. I also inform them that I may have to take the week following off as well, due to my family emergency. The voice on the phone sounds surprised, but still professional. I'm really dreading when they realize just why I've taken off of work, but I really don't have time deal with that right now so I shuffle that off for later.

I make my way to the guest room and see Esme cradling the baby in her arms. I can't help myself but smile at the sight. My mother really is great with children. Even though I don't really like my parents at the moment, I'd have to be an idiot to deny it.

"Look who just stepped in the room," my mother coos "she is all most all the way gone, but I think she might have been holding out a bit."

I immediately raise an eyebrow at that. " I really don't think moving her is going to do any good. You know what they say about disturbing a sleeping baby…"

Eme can only chuckle in response. "Did you get every thing handled?"

"Just about, I think. I still need to call Rose. Speaking of getting things settled, we really need to set up the paternity test. And probably get her checked out anyways. She looks ok, but…"

My mind inevitably flashes to all the images of the sick babies I've seen in my time in the hospital. Of course it lingers on the ones that looked seemingly healthy, but in fact were definitely not."

" Edward, I'm sure she's fine. Just doing our due diligence, right? You really should call, Rose though" she adds.

"I will, once the baby is asleep."

" Then I guess we should move to your room. " she laughs, with a wink thrown in for good measure. I sigh and saunter towards my room.

By now she seems to be fast asleep, but as Esme puts her down, she stirs. I don't think much of it, as I know that babies much like adults, stir in their sleep. As I start dialing Rosalie, unfortunately she seems to sense a change, as she wakes up with a sharp jerk and inexplicably starts howling. I pat her back desperately hoping that she'll settle down, but no such luck.

Of course not.

Ever since she arrived my luck's been rotten.

"You know Edward, I'm sure she'd have an easier time getting back to sleep if you rocked her a bit." My mother muses.

" Ehh.. I'm not sure about that," I sputter. " I mean I just want to see if she can settle herself down first"

My mother shakes her head. All the while, Christine is getting red in the face and crying even harder. I can't help it as I pick her up and start rocking her. "Shh, it's all right. Everything is fine."

" Everything _is _fine. At least now it is. Some babies just need a little more help going to sleep and some just need to be held a bit more. I would know. I did have 3 kids after all…." My mother chuckles

" I suppose, but I do have things do do outside of her." I reply sounding a bit sharper than I expected.

" But she is your number one concern now…"

" And there will be times I need to put her down. She shouldn't just be in my arms all the time. It's not realistic. I'm not a koala." I complain.

" No you're not. But she needs you. Given what's happened, I'd like to think that she could get some stability in her life."

Hearing those words, I know my mother is right. Even though I'm not all that resentful towards Kebi, what has happened to Christine isn't fair or just. No one, especially a young child should just be abandoned.

With strengthened resolve I rock her for god knows how long. Eventually I put her down. At some point I decide to give calling Rose another try.

In only three rings I hear a voice...

*peaks out from under a rock* _Thoughts?_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Hello?" a clearly tired Rosalie answers. For the first time ever I can truly sympathize.

"Hi Rosalie. It's Edward. I know it's a bad time, but there's something I need to talk to you about.

I hear a decent sized yawn through the phone. "No Edward, it's fine. I'm really glad to hear from you. It's not every day that your brother in the law decides to give _you _a call."

I internally cringe at her words, because I know it's true that I've left several of her and Emmetts calls unanswered. Undettered I decided to just let everything out in the open. "Rosalie, I just wanted to let you know there's a new Cullen. You have a niece…"

" Edward, you got married and I wasn't invited?" She starts. What seems like a lifetime later, she starts again. "Wait, you said niece…"

For the first time ever, I think Rosalie Cullen has been rendered almost speechless. I ignore the temptation to gloat and try again. "Roasalie, I just wanted to give you the news before you heard it from someone else. There's a new addition to the family. I have a daughter."

"Wow… that was totally not what I was expecting to hear." Her voice is wary, but curious. "What happened?"

"It was Kebi. We had sex. I guess the birth control didn't work. The end."

"Woah, That was completely not what I expected, especially from you." She sputters.

"He….her name is Christine Elizabeth Cullen. I guess I just wanted to tell you before some outrageous rumors starting circulating. You know how people get." I spit out, hoping to lighten the mood but utterly failing. In my head I'm cursing myself for I'm sure making it sound like a big pile of gibberish.

"Edward, that's just wow… You're not screwing with me right? Because that's a pretty twisted joke" she inquires.

"Not in the slightest. I really wish it was a big joke, but it's not. Esme is staying with me right now to help out and she's going shopping for me tomorrow. As I'm sure you've guessed, I'm a clueless shit about all of this…"

"I can imagine" she half heartedly laughs, "So how long have you had her?"

" This is her first day with me actually. I found her on my doorstep this afternoon."

" Edward Cullen, I really hope you're shitting me." she huffs. I'm sure that if we were face to face, I'd be getting a glare that would put Medusa's to shame. " I mean, left a baby on your door step, can't you be a bit more original than that?"

" I only wish I was Rose… I only wish I was." Unfortunately or not I'm momentarily distracted by Christine who has evidently decided to wake up once again. "Ssshh… It's all right." Very awkwardly, with the phone in one hand and her in the other I move to the kitchen. I guess the gods have decided to lighten up on me a bit tonight, as I see Esme. I whisper "Can you get her bottle ready?"

Luckily she agrees. Rose's voice brings me back to the task at hand. She darkly chuckeles into the phone " So little brother, I see your daughter is all ready training you."

" I don't know whether training is the right word, but she does keep me on my toes…" I respond weakly.

" They always do brother, they always do. The more you think you know, the sooner they'll throw a curveball at you." She answers in a voice that seems well beyond her years. From what I've seen I can only cringe at the possibilities behind her words.

I feel a little nudge on my shoulder and see Esme holding a bottle while motioning for the phone. "Let me talk to my daughter in law" she whispers.

" Hey Rose, I think Esme wants to talk to you" I throw in.

I hand her the phone and change my position so that I don't throw out my back while feeding the baby. She seems to calm down a smidge, but she definitely is more fidgety than she was earlier today. I really hope that she's not one of those babies I've heard about through my colleagues, who has their days and nights mixed up or I'll be in a for a long ride.

As she's feeding she fidgets around almost dislodging the nipple from her mouth. By the look on her face I can only describe it as anxiousness, as if she's worried I'll go up in a puff of smoke. Undettered, I burp her and once she seems to be through. I try to settle her in my arms, not really eager to head back upstairs to my room.

Esme walks back in the room and smiles "I've invited Rose and Emmett this Sunday for a little family get together."

That's definitely more than I bargained for. I can feel my chest tighten and my breaths become more and more shallow "I…I….I"

" Edward, calm down or you'll scare your little princess." My mother instructs, her face a mixture of admonishment and worry. "You really don't need to worry about a thing. Between Carlisle, I, Rosalie and Emmett we'll have more than enough food. And we'll handle everything else. You just need to worry about your daughter."

While her words are clearly meant to reassure, I'm so worked up that I can definitely feel the convulsions of a panic attack coming on. I've heard that babies are barometers for stress, and as if like clock work, Christine starts to emit a cry that's clearly pained. Esme gracious removes her from my arms. I can only guess at what I look like at this moment.

Eau de stale sweat and industrial cleaner fills my nostrils….

_Failure, disappointment, loser, ugly…._

_Failure, disappointment, loser, ugly…._

_Failure, disappointment, loser, ugly…._

_Failure, disappointment, loser, ugly…._

_A lanky mean faced Mike Newton fills my vision. " Give him a swirlie! Lock him in the girl's bathroom. What damn loser. I bet he was adopted. There's no way he's a Cullen…."_

"Edward, snap out of it!" my mother's firm but kind voice breaks through the haze. "What happened?"

" Eh it was nothing, just day dreaming…" I croak. "Sorry about that."

" Edward. That certainly was not nothing." My mother admonishes. " Tell me about it. Please. If not for me, do it for _her_."

I can only look at my mother bewildered at what she could possibly be referring to. I notice a red face, but sleeping baby in her arms…

_Oh shit…_

Without meaning to, I draw back into myself and curl up into a ball, just thinking about what this all means. Mike Newton, my mother with a baby in the house and no Rose or Emmett in sight. I have no idea what the hell is happening, but I just can't handle it. I smell a rat...

"Edward, please, whatever this pain is, let me help. We love you and hate to see you in so much pain. I'm sure your father…" my mother coaxes.

"No Carlisle" I snap, "absolutely not"

My mother's face falls at the mention of my father's name. I'm sure _Carlisle_ has plenty to say to me. None of them good, I'm sure. What can I say though, I'm the great disappointment of the Cullens. Of course the enormity of the situation comes rushing back to me. Baby. Doorstep. Kebi. Christine. Carlisle, Esme.

Wow, if there's ever going to be a mess in my life here it is. What a way to carry on the Cullen Name. Socially awkward, only mildly successful and to top it off, I knocked up a girl and now am stuck taking care of a kid.

"Mom really though, I am doing fine." Luckily, I can hear that my voice does have more weight to it. I try once again to make my words sound more convincing. " There's nothing to worry about. Just some thoughts creeping into my head. I think Christine is making me think about some things that I would have rather avoided." Of course there's a double meaning to my words, but in my haste, I let sleeping dogs lie.

"Honey, I hate to say it this way, but I really don't want to see Christine hurt more than she is. She deserves far more than she's been given and I'd rather not see her disappointed in the future. Of course I don't want to see you hurt, but right now she's the number one priority and the most vulnerable member of the family."

Vulnerable… _vulnerable….._

" Esme Cullen do you really think I would put my own flesh and blood in danger? Are you insane or has living on the estate just clouded up your brain." I would _never_ put her in danger. You on the other hand…" I seethe.

In any other instance I would be fascinated. I've always been interested when people say that they "see red" when their angry as the idea just seems insane to me. But I think I get it. For the first time and hopefully the only time, there's a definitely reddish tint in my vision.

For a minute I can see my mother's face cross between anger and wanting to cry. However the look that settles is one of eerie calmness. " Edward, the first thing we all need to worry about is Chrstine. Everything else is secondary. Keep this in mind, son. _She loves you._"

Once again as if she's some twisted barometer of my mood, Christine stirs to the point where she's definitely upset.

Whether from a nightmare or what happened here I don't know. Regardless I take her in my arms and try to shush her.

"Shh, baby it's all right. You're all right."

Unfortunately this only makes her cry even harder. I keep at it for who knows how long, but at some point I'm utterly laid to waste.

" Baby, I'm so sorry, but I can't help you at all with this. I think you're on your own here" I croak, but just barely, "I'm sorry your father is such a useless piece of shit."

"Edward, did you happen to get any sleep last night?" My mother's voice comes from the hall.

"No mom, I guess I didn't. Tonight was just a rough one for me. And Christine, I guess." I invariably look down at my daughter who seems to be sleeping relatively comfortably in my arms.

" I'll probably head out to shop a bit later. You look like you're in no shape to go out so just stay here and rest with your beautiful daughter. Your father and I will take care of everything.

" Mom I…" I start to spit out.

" Edward, unless you can recover about 8 hours of sleep in the next thirty minutes, you're staying home with her. Please just trust me on this. Rosalie was in no shape to go shopping after either of the kids and remember, she had Emmett. You're alone in this. Please just let us handle this."

"Mom, thanks" I whisper, not really able to say much more.

" Just to let you know, when I talked to Rose, she mentioned she might want to stop over today just to visit. She mentioned that at most it would just be her and possibly Emmett."

My brain is officially a big pile of goo. My first instinct is to scream at her for just letting Rose come over. But of course I realize that Rose probably emphasized that it would at most be her and my brother. So no kids. I don't think I could deal with them right now, even though they are a loveable, but high energy bunch of rugrats. I can't help but groan in appreciatiom at that.

"Anyways, go take a shower and hopefully get something to eat. You may not eat again today." My mother smirks knowingly.

_What the fuck…_

I figure I do need to take a shower so I head off to the bathroom to hopefully relax before my day really begins. The water is just glorious. It just seems like not only washes me physically but also starts leeching away some of my stress and unknot some of the tight and cramped muscles in my body.

After making myself somewhat presentable, I head down to the kitchen and make myself a pot of coffee. While that's going I also pour myself a bowl of cereal, because if today is anything like last night, I'll only be able to eat on the go. After what seems like too long the coffee is ready and I head back out to the family room, where luckily Christine is still out like a light.

"Did you eat yet mom?" I ask politely.

"I'm actually planning on getting some brunch with your father while we shop." She replies looking rather composed.

" I'm really sorry about last night. What a fiasco. You probably want to put me in the looney bin. I'm hoping that what you saw last night will be a one night only performance…." I laugh.

" Son, it was your first night with the baby. They're always the hardest you know, but you survived."

"Mom, she cried all night and I couldn't do anything about it. I was utterly useless. Maybe Emmett and Rose should…" I whisper yell, incredulously.

" Stop right there, Edward Cullen. You've got some things to work out and in time you will. Last night was the first night of many. Don't let a little bump in the road stop you…"

" A bump in the road, mother? A bump in the road? I'd call it more of a sink hole. I really don't think I'm cut out for this. I mean anyone would be better at raising her than me. Anyone."

" Are you giving up your rights, Edward? Because if you are, then I have much better things to do with my time" she fires back

" I… I don't know... I don't know…" I can only stammer.

Holy hell. I am a blubbering idiot.

Of course then I notice little Christine wriggle with a start and open up her beautiful eyes. She starts turning her head and makes cute sucking motions with her lips so I know she'll want to feed " Here little girl, let me get you some breakfast."

As I start to feed my daughter, my mother sighs, "You know how I know you're not going to give her up, Edward? What just happened right now. No person who is going to give up a baby would do what you did. And if you were giving her up, you would have done it last night and we wouldn't be talking right now. Edward, just relax. I'll try to bring you back something for lunch as I don't think you'll be able to do much today. Aside from the baby, you have nothing to worry about…"

I shoot glare at my mother. She's nuts. There's plenty to worry about and she's stupid if she wants to state otherwise.

" Your father and Alice wouldn't dare upset you. I can guarantee that. As far as Rosalie goes, she cares very much about you. I don't think I need to remind you that she has kids of her own and that she has friends with their own families. She _understands_…" my mother hisses, emphasizing that last word to, I think, bring home her point. And with that she walks out the door to shop for my daughter.

" That went just beautiful. What a mess." I look at my daughter. "I hope you've got a thick skin because to survive in this family you'll need it. Christine to her credit, only wriggled in closer to me, seemingly craving even more contact.

_What a strange baby…._

" All right little one, if you're really mine and going to be staying with me we need to do a few things. With that, I dial the hospital's pediatric department to set up her first appointment.

"Hello, this is the Pedatrics Department, how may I assist you today" a nurse asked over the phone.

_Here goes nothing._

I inhaled "Hello my name is Edward Cullen and I'd like to make an appointment for my daughter."

"Edward Cullen? Dr. Edward Cullen?" she sputtered. Clearly she knew of me. _Oh my god… _I could feel the beads of sweat slowly trickle down my neck as the cold realization that my secret was about to be revealed to the world at large.

"Ehmm yes. This is Dr. Cullen. I'd like to make an appointment for my daughter Christine. I was wondering when the first available appointment was?" I asked clearly not in the mood to deal with any of this.

"Oh yes, how does 11 am with Dr. Smith work for you?" the nurse asked. I was definitely going to need to know her name.

"That sounds wonderful. Might I have your name please?" I asked a bit sweeter than necessary.

"My name is Sarah Petrick" she sputtered, clearly anxious about my sudden question.

" Thank you so much Nurse Petrick. We will look forward to meeting with you on Friday morning." I answered, quickly clicking the phone shut. In the very least, if there's a rumor that's started I'll know where to look first.

I made a phone call to my insurance company to add Christine to my plan as a dependent. Luckily I wasn't so conspicuous to them, so there wasn't any special line of questioning. There was just some extra paperwork to fill out, which I promised to forward to them as soon as I possibly could. I suppose it could have gone worse, as I was aware that adding a dependent, especially without being married was very suspicious. But like with the hospital, I'd deal with that a bit later.

It also occurred to me that I'd need to get a paternity test done, but I figured that I could ask the pediatrician about that in the very least. I mean the birth certificate did have my name on it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IoIWSE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After sitting with Christine for god knows how long, I'm jarred by the familiar chime of the door bell. "I'm coming!" I call. Luckily Christine is still pretty deeply asleep so I hurry to get the door. I really should have given my mother the key, as I now remember that she doesn't have it. Yet another bitchy little thing to handle.

As I open the door I'm greeted by a sight that I never in a million years expected to see.

_Rosalie Cullen_

Even after god knows how many years of dating and marriage to my brute of a brother Emmett and 2 kids, she's still a knockout. Given that I know Emmett is a slob, I really am amazed at how well put together she is. She could easily put many women 10 years younger to shame. If I had to be honest with myself, I'd easily date her, kids or not.

"Hey Rosalie, it's an…uh… expected surprise to see you here. Shouldn't you be at the shop?" I inquire lamely. _Great greeting Cullen, she already thinks you're a freak…_

" Esme is worried about you, Edward." She states. "But I can see you're quite occupied with _her_." I only now realize t hat she's still standing on the front steps.

"Why don't you come inside. I'm sure it's not too comfortable just standing here" I offer awkwardly gesturing for her to move. Luckily she understands me, and moves into the family room without further ado.

"Anyways, she's worried." She states plainly. "Now don't fall to pieces again. She didn't tell me to check up on you. But I was curious to see how you're holding up." I can easily see the smirk on her face.

"But to be honest, brother dear. I think you'll be just fine." She ends, the sincerity evident in her voice.

"Rosalie, I was just about to.. uh.."

At that very moment my daughter decided to announce her presence to the new visitor in the house with a whimper. "I'm sorry Rose, but I was actually going to get her bottle ready. I was really hoping to get it ready before she woke up."

"Shhh.. princess… Daddy is going to get your lunch ready in a minut. _Don't freak out._" I pray.

" You know Edward, I could take her while you get her bottle ready." Rosalie offers.

_I honestly didn't even remember she was there for a minute._

" That would be enormously helpful, Rosalie." I breathe out, anxious at getting her bottle. I really would rather avoid a melt down like we had last night. Even though I'm anxious about handing her off at all, I send her over to Rosalie's waiting arms.

_I really hope I don't regret doing this…_

I prep her bottle at what feels like super human speed but when I step back into the room, I can only say that I'm truly amazed. Rosalie has my daughter in her arms rocking her and speaking to her in a voice so gentle, it almost makes me weak at the knees.

_Who knew… who knew that Rosalie Cullen, the ice queen herself could actually be motherly. Of course Esme is motherly, I mean it's Esme, dammit. But Rosalie? Of course she has kids and they seem pretty well adjusted, but uhh… I thought Emmett was the reason for their humanity._

I'm immediately pulled from the depths of my mind by Rosalie who quips to my baby "I think daddy's gone to la la land."

She turns to me and cocks a brow, "Are you just going to stand there or are you going to let your baby starve?"

Evidently my jaw as dropped as I hear a popping noise that can only be my mouth closing. "Well I was just... ehmm… I'm sorry, Rose, but I think I do need to give me daughter some lunch."

As I take my daughter and begin feeding her. I can feel Rosalie's gaze boring onto my soul.

" So you didn't think I could be motherly huh?"

As I'm totally caught red handed and off guard I can only stammer like a jackass. " Well Rose I uh…"

She cuts me off with a wave of the hand. "It's all right Edward, most people think I'm the ice queen anyways, or at least a heinous bitch. But my kids seem relatively normal right? I mean relatively normal being that I am their mother and Emmett is their father."

My face pales and bile is slowly creeping up from the depths of my stomach. " Well Rose I uh, yeah the kids are great. You've done a great job with them.", I say, with hopefully some conviction. Her two children are pretty well adjusted. They're great kids actually, full of energy for sure, but insightful and aware. I can only hope that Christine turns out just as well as they have.

I take a deep breath and try once again. " You're really good with her and well, she seems taken with you. You definitely have a knack for the kids. I guess it's just natural, huh?"

" Edward, it's called being a parent. Do you think I want kids that are messed up? There's plenty of stress in the world already and there's no use saddling kids with unnecessary baggage. I had to learn a lot about myself, or I should say, un learn. And your brother did too. In time you'll realize these things too." She laughs dryly.

" I just feel so… I don't know" I confessed. "Hopeless? Overwhelmed? Clueless? In over my head? I really can't pin a single feeling to it. And I'm totally unprepared. Maybe you and Emmett could…" I trail off.

Once the last bit of my words leaves my mouth Rosalie pales and her face becomes stern. "Edward, this child will have a wonderful support network. Emmett and I will not take your child. And neither will mom or dad." She adds. "You either take responsibility or give her up. But if you do that, she'll go into the system."

I momentarily zone her out when my mind zeros in on the phrase "into the system." While I know that some kids turn out ok in the foster system, there are many who do have issues. Given that she's young, it's all but a certainty that she'll be adopted into a loving family. From out of nowhere, an almost feral instinct screams _"Hell no, Cullen. Even if you have to give your soul to the devil, that's not something you can do."_ And of course the realization hits that if she goes into the system, the chances are I'll never see her again.

As if she's once again reading my thoughts she echoes the words in my mind, "You'll never see her again. Can you live with that? Can we live with that? Should we live with that Edward? Now Edward, I know life hasn't been the best to you, but really, she shouldn't suffer for your insecurities. No child should. "

Even though I'm still quite unsure about the whole thing. I can only whisper " I'll give it my best shot, Rose. That's all I can do."

She smiles in what I'm sure is meant to be a reassuring manner, pats my arm and chuckles, "You should have seen Emmett after I announced I was pregnant with both of the kids. I've never seen a greater look of terror on his face. He was almost catatonic for weeks.."

Even though I'm almost out of it I manage to whisper " I wish I could have seen it."

She only smiles reassuringly and states " Edward, we're with you all the way. That child will be more loved than anyone could ever imagine…"

Suddenly she rises up and heads out of the room sighing "I think I hear someone coming. Just stay with the baby and I'll handle it." After a minute or two, my mother comes back in the room with several bags. I also now hear the rustling of footsteps going upstairs.

" Edward, I hired some people to help build some of the furniture. Under normal circumstances, we'd have a few weeks to design something and build it up ourselves, but given the short notice, I figured we'd just have some things brought in and built up immediately." She offers helpfully.

If I have to be honest with myself, I didn't even think about the fact that there would be an issue with buying the furniture for the nursery and having it built up. But of course, my mother is right. So I reply the only way I can. "Mom, that's fine. Thank you so much for your help."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 0 0 0 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Given the amount of noise coming from the house and people coming in and out, I decide to take a walk with Christine. I have a hell of a time constructing her stroller and manage to give myself a few shallow bruises in the process, but after about 20 minutes, we're out the door. Rosalie also decides to tag along, after mentioning something about managing the construction happening at the house being too much like her work. I can't complain as I know she's pretty busy. And besides, my father also decides to make an appearance and help my mother who shoos me out the door insisting I need to get some fresh air with the baby.

I can't deny it. The fresh air is wonderful. I never thought my home could be like a prison, but after the last 24 hours or so, it definitely can be. It seems to reawaken my senses, clearing out my nostrils while exhanging many of the thoughts that have been battering my mind over the past day.

For the most part, I am beginning to realize that Rosalie is a great conversationalist. Unfortunately, I'm also realizing how little I actually know about her. Aside from her being very direct, I have her all wrong. She's insightful, smart, intelligent, compassionate and she knows how to say something without coming off totally boorish. My brother really is fortunate to have married her. I can only hope that I that day comes, I can also get involved with a woman like her.

"Edward, you really know how to pick your neighborhoods." She observes, watching the scene around us as we stroll around the block.

"Well you know, I wanted some place quiet and secluded. I was also hoping for some place that I could easily park my car" I joke.

"That's true. It would be hard to have a car in he city." She smirks, "what I meant though is that you live in a neighborhood full of families. Why would you do that?"

Truth be told I've never looked at the reasoning behind where I decided to move to. I just more or less wanted some place quite that looked reasonably safe. "Rose, I just chose where I did because it's quiet and the noise from the neighborhood doesn't really cause a problem when I need to get a nights rest or bring work home."

Undeterred by my response she persists. "Edward, I know you've said you don't intend to get married anytime soon, but _this_?" She makes a waving motion with her hand clearly showing off the neighborhood. "Isn't that a bit odd? I mean you could have bought a place nearer to the hospital or your friends…"

I fidget uncomfortably while my body starts to tremble of its own accord. "Is it so hard to believe I want a quiet place to live? And besides moving around is a pain in the ass." I offer, trying to conceal the impeding panic coursing through my body.

" That's true, I guess" she sighs, a twinge of sadness cracking through in her voice. Her expression changes, and she looks at me as if she's almost scared I would hurt her or something. "Do you think you ever might want more?"

"More?" I ask, clearly not understanding what she's getting at.

"More than work," she exhales "more than just getting up in the morning, coming home to a cold house and plopping down in front of the TV or going to a bar after your day is done. Haven't you ever thought what it might feel like to have someone to come home to?"

I knew that I didn't know Rosalie that well. Ever since I first met her we have been too busy with our own lives to ever develop any sort of a relationship. She really was more like an acquaintance in how we knew each other. Of course, for some inexplicable reason I knew I should get to know her better. However, it doesn't help that I am totally unprepared for the questions she's asking me.

So I square my shoulders and anwer in as calm a voice as I can muster. "I really haven't thought about it. I haven't had the time really. Between, school, work and now this, it really hasn't blipped on my radar. And besides, I don't need to be with someone to be happy."

She cocks a brow at me, "do you really believe that? Or are you just feeding me a line that you'd spew at Carlisle?"

" That's me" I reply my voice barely a whisper. "I'm not worthy of love. Or of that kind of love anyways."

She shakes her head and shoots me a look that's almost half incredulous and half heart broken. "I don't know what's worse. The fact that you believe that or the fact that you seem to be in denial."

Even though I feel as if I've been hit with an anvil, the bitterness in my voice is loud and clear. "Denial about what?" I spit.

" Denial about happiness. Everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves to find someone and be happy." She states plainly, the strength of her words as clear as day.

I try to be as calm and professional as I can as I reply. "Everyone deserves to be happy for sure, but not everyone is destined to find someone."\

She only can shake her head and let out an exasperated breath at my words. Chrstine, of course, decides to remind us that we're a party of three and not just a pair of adults conversing. So we end up stopping so that I can feed her. Despite the gravity of our conversation, the look on Rosalie's face is one of pure contentment.

"What?" I inquire.

" Seeing you with her. It just seems so…. Natural. Like you were made just for her."

"Well I am her father," I reply in what I hope is a bored tone. _I mean it's true isn't it?_

"Well of course. It's just so many people, couples especially, would love to experience what you have. You really don't know how lucky you are. So many people want children and then, there's people like you."

I could feel the anger in my growing like a tidal wake, but was disrupted by an older couple who passed us by. "Your daughter is just precious" the woman remarked. She was older and definitely reminded me of a very kind grand mother. Inexplicably I wondered how many grand children she had.

"She is," I remarked "We're very lucky to have her." I decided to not subject the woman to the truth about Christine so I just played along with what she naturally assumed given the situation and hoped that Rosalie would as well. Of course, I think Christine had issues with my plan because she immediately started fussing as soon as the woman drew nearer to us.

I began rubbing her back and attempting to shush her. I'm sorry I replid offhand to the woman. " She's very shy."

" Oh, don't worry. I have a grand daughter who is just as shy. We couldn't take her anywhere without a meltdown." She replied with a good natured laugh. "You two have a nice afternoon."

When they were out of earshot further down the street, I couldn't hold in in any longer. "That was close." I exhaled.

" Edward, I wish you could, I don't know, read minds or something." Rosalie sputtered, wringing her hands. " I wish you could see what we all do. And I guess somehow, I wish you could find some kind of happiness. For her and for you too."

For the first time in quite a while, I felt a void. No, I just felt empty and for a brief moment I did she what she was talking about, even though I did know that, for me at least, it was utterly impossible.

Fighting the urge to tear up or alternatively clam up right there on the ground, I rose up. "We really should be getting back. I want to see what Carlisle and Esme have done to my house."

I'm not sure if anyone still cares about this story but if you do, leave me your thoughts.

I thought I'd share a few stories that I've read that I feel are quite good.

_Torn by Dooba_

Bella Swan has survived a living hell, twice. She no longer speaks. Nobody ever listened. The Cullen family take her into their care. Bella fights to leave her past behind, but will she be able to let love in?

_Last Tango In Forks_ by Awesomesauce76

Bella Swan has spent a lifetime putting everyone else's needs before her own. Could a chance encounter with a mysterious stranger begin to change all of that? AU/AH

_Bella the Babysitter_ by Pandora's Box is Heavy

Edward never thought he'd be the sole caregiver to his godson Lucas until disaster struck leaving the baby orphaned. Bella's irresponsible and perpetually unemployed until her friend introduces the two. Will it be a success or disaster?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Wow, just wow. There are no words to describe the creativity that my mother possesses. I would like to think that it's like stepping into some weird baby wonder land. Like it's some sort of stupendous, dreamy, other worldly creation, but words don't do it justice. Even though she can annoy me to shit, I am truly fortunate to have someone like Esme in my life.

As I take in the nursery for the first time I whisper the only words that can convey how I feel at this moment, "Wow. Thank you so much, Esme. You've really out done yourself."

" Son it was nothing. I just wanted to do something nice for Christine. She's had a hard life so far and I'm hoping that things take a turn for the better soon." My mother replies clearly pleased with my reaction.

"You know if I was the one to do the nursery, I'm sure it would look more like a boot camp dorm than a baby's nursery." I chuckle. Truth be told that would be the best case scenario. I'm also a bit jealous as her room is clearly the most put together in the house. While it's not quite a bachelor pad, the house definitely could use some chohesiveness.

Part of me wants to ask if Esme would like to redecorate the whole house, but another part of me doesn't want my parents to have such a large influence over my life.

She gives me a knowing nod. "So you like it then?"

"Of course" I stutter. "How could I not? It's so much more than I could imagine. You really should become an interior decorator or something. It's just like stepping into some Da Vinci painting or something."

And it was. It wasn't masculine of course, but it wasn't insufferably feminine, either. I suspect my mother kept it more neutral than necessary, as it was much more dominated by lavender as opposed to pink, which I'm sure would have had me taking a chainsaw to the room.

On top of the colors used in the room, the furniture just was glorious and luxurious. I could easily see myself spending many nights rocking her to sleep and later reading her a bed time story. I'm sure if she was older she would have loved her room. But unfortunately, that brought up another issue that needed to be addressed.

" Mom, I love what you've done to her room, but do you still think that she should spend the night with me?"

My mother's eyebrows momentarily went sky high, but she soon composed herself. "Yes, Edward I still think she should be with you, especially when this is still new to the both of you. You're still getting used to each other. She needs to know she can trust you and that just takes time."

If only to reinforce her words, Rosalie adds, " I know this is really hard for you understand, Edward, but with babies, there just isn't some magical fix that works overnight. Even couples who plan out their pregnancies take a lot of time and effort to bond with their babies."

Even though my mind is a jumbled mess I can't help but stutter, "But she seems so easy with you and mom. I mean, it's not that major of an issue right?"

Rosalie can only laugh at my musings. "Oh Edward, I think you'll find out sooner rather than later."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~0 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Given that none of us have eaten yet, my mother, Rosalie and I decide to head out for an early dinner. Carlisle volunteers to stay at the house overseeing the final work that needs to be done today. Evidently, the nursery isn't quite finished yet, although I'm told the work that remains is comparatively minor. So we decide to make the drive over to Aqui's so we can decompress from all that's happened today.

Evidently, having a baby changes things because even though I insist on driving, my mother and Rosalie both insist that I sit in the back with Christine. Even though I'm sure she'll be fine and worse case being that we stop over, Rosalie and Esme both insist on me staying in the back to soothe her if she has a meltdown while in the car.

Thankfully, the restaurant is next to empty. It helps that it's before the dinner rush and a bit of a dead period in the sports world. Either way I'm really glad to not have to deal with any of our friends or colleagues right now. We order our food and go find a table. I excuse myself to use the rest room and bring along Christine, because Rosalie suggests that I change her, despite the fact that she was changed before we left.

As I make my way to the restroom, through the smells of the cooking food, I detect a faint floral or fruity scent in the air. Given the fact that I can't ascertain its origin and that I'm with my family, I brush it off to handle my business. Even still, it's unnerving that I could be bothered by such a thing. It's pretty clear that there's nothing to peak my attention.

Alas, I think I might need to go visit a shrink, because clearly my mind is going to hell and it's going to affect my work soon.

When I head off into the bathroom, I'm hit with a few of the practical realities of having a baby. First, using the bathroom is damn hard. What used to be no time at all, now has me doing my best impression of a contortionist. Secondly, if I ever come into a bunch of money I'm going to invent a set of mechanical hands or arms to help because between trying to steady Christine on the changing table and using wipes and all that, I really wish I could be an octopus or a spider or something with some extra appendages. Sorry but it's true.

And yes, I'm officially a wuss. As I make my way back to our table, the scent has dissipated, but the air seems changed somehow. It gives me chills and it takes a lot of strength not to fall to pieces. Luckily though, while I was away, Esme and Rosalie have gotten our food. After I set down Christine in her carrier, I stretch my arms and groan "I don't know how you women do it, but that was impossible. A pair of hands isn't enough at all. I wish we were octopi or spiders or something. I was worried to shit that she'd fall off or something."

To that Rosalie giggles "Oh how little you know, Edward. I can't wait to see what happens when she becomes mobile."

To wit, she still is a blob, so I evidently have my mouth agape, as my mother can't resist but join in the laughter at my expense. Even though the food is pretty generic and nothing spectacular, by the second bite, it seems like one of the best things I've even. Normally, I also would have ordered an Industrial Margarita or a Swirl, but that was vehemently given the double veto by Esme and Rose. They fed me some line about not being able to take care of the baby properly with alcohol in my system. So even though the food is good, it could be so much better.

Just ugh…

"So any plans, Edward?" shoots my mother.

"Umm no?" my voice inexplicable forces out a question.

"Good, I was hoping you don't go knock up some other random girl on your little vacation."

I don't think that my face can hide how utterly mortified I am at her words.

Before I can even stop myself I hear worlds flying out of my mouth "Who would I have sex with and how would I do it, given my 'siutation'? " I wheeze exasperated. I can feel the blood drain my my face and I go stiff as a board.

Rosalie of all people shoots me a face that exudes absolute innocence like she can't even fathom what I'm talking about. Of course I'm rendered fucking speechless, I mean who the hell would want me anyways. Of course I'm angry too. The line of suitors for Emmett and Alice is far longer than mine could ever be. Of course I'm quickly pondering whether I should point this out to Rosalie. I eventually decide to not regale the table with Emmett and Alice's sexual exploits, but of course I'm still pretty worked up.

Evidently I'm exceedingly upset as Christine also decides that now's a great time to go on a crying jag. I try to tend to her, but ultimately fail miserably, as I hurry outt of the restaurant to make another attempt outside. Over my shoulder I notice my meal goes mostly untouched. Oh well. I really can't eat under these circumstances anyways, and if Esme and Rosalie expect me to, then oh well. Duty calls.

As I'm hurrying out, I hear a pair of faint footsteps behind me. "Edward, please wait…" a voice calls, but between the machinations of my mind and Chrstine's wailing I can't begin to notice who it is. I finally stop and settle right near the car, as I attempt to settle down Christine, but she's not having it. I feel my temperature rise as I get angrier and angrier. Of course, I know deep within myself that it's not going to do any good, but even so, I can feel myself get more and more upset.

"Christine…" I hiss, unable to contain it any longer. I feel a sudden bout of pressure on my shoulder, and instinctively I turn to see what it is.

" Edward, give her to me." Esme orders. Despite the firmness in her voice, I hold my place, not even attempting to shift toward her more than I all ready have. Her voice shifts, softer, pleading now. " Please Edward, you're hurting her."

Even though I can't help but think that Esme is bullshitting me, I shift my gaze down to Christine who is clearly still upset. Whether she's any worse off than before, I have no idea. So despite my better judgment I hand her over to Esme.

"Mom, I….I…..I…" I stutter.

"Edward, it's all right to admit you're overwhelmed. It's completely normal and I dare say I think people would think you're insane for not admitting it. However, I will say that the last thing you want to do is hurt her. Both physically and emotionally. I think though that maybe there might be something more to this? I've never seen you act this way and it worries me, especially because you have a baby, now."

By the time she's completed her little rant, I'm almost gone. I can only mutter "Mom I…" I stop short as I see Rosalie approach us.

"Edward, you sort of took off like a bat out of hell.." She jokes, but her eyes definitely betray the fear and hesitation despite her bravado.

As much as I'd like to say I felt better I didn't. Of course it didn't help the fact that my daughter was still rather upset. However, we all agreed that it would be best if we left and headed home.

This is easily one of the longest car trips I've ever been on and it should probably only take 20 minutes, if that. Between the crying baby and my mother and sister in law's worried glances, I'm not even sure what to think. Hell, I don't even know if they're looking at me or her.

Fucking Hell

"_WORTHLESS PIECE OF NOTHING!"_ _he shouts over and over again. I want to run, but I'm a deer in headlights. "You'll never be as good as Emmett or Alice!" over and over and over… I raise my hands to protect my head in case he decides to hit me again. "The great disappointment, that's what you are. God, I bet Carlisle and Esme wished you were gone."_

_Of course I know he's right. I can feel my body damp from sweat, and I try not to soil myself further. Nothing good can come from that_

The next thing I know I see a face just inches away from me. I jerk away in fright. " Edward, all well?" Rosalie asks calmly, but there's definitely something else there too. There's no way that Roalie going to get anything from me. Not today, not ever.

"Are you?" she presses again.

" I'm fine" I try to insist. " Just trying to deal with the lack of sleep, you know? And a face that's too close to me." Given that Rosalie's a mom, she should understand that anyways. Hopefully, she puts it to a rest.

" Edward," she starts slowly. " It almost seemed like you were having a nightmare or something. You tensed up, but were absolutely silent. It was freaky."

I try to brush it off, but I have no idea what all of this could mean. " Just some bad memories creeping back into my head. Must be the stress of all of this." I sigh.

She shoots me a look. "Whatever you say, brother dearest. But just know that I'm here, and so is mom."

" So where is the baby?" I inquire, a bit offhandedly.

" _Christine_, is with your mom." Rosalie shoots back. " You know, you really need to make a decision about this. Sometimes it seems like she's your whole world, but sometimes, it seems like you don't give a shit about her."

" Of course I care" I seethe. "Can't a guy have a bad day anymore?"

" That was not just a bad day. I've seen bad days, that was freaky Edward. Hell, Emmett has bad days, but they're nothing compared to that. Nothing…." She trails off her voice punctuated by uncertainty.

" Rosalie, not now." I huff and with that I march off to the guest room.

What I see before me is confusing, saddening, but maddening all at the same time. A red faced Christine. She's clearly been crying up a storm in my mother's arms. Esme, clearly trying to settle her, but with little to no success. Upon my entrance, everything is tense, but as I draw closer Christine just cries harder, her breaths clearly not in sync with her cries.

I yearn to close the gap and take her in my arms, but something warns me off. Did I do this? Is she afraid of me? Was it a mistake to try and take her in? Am I in over my head? My mind is like a piece of card board in a hurricane being bashed to shreds with no hope of escape.

" Esme, should ?" my voice trails off, not knowing what else to say.

For the first time since my mother has found out about my mistake, she has a real amount of uncertainty in her voice.. " Edward, I think…. I think, the first thing you need to do is to take care of you. Then you can take care of her." she offers, a bit lost by my question.

With that I move to leave and when I'm at the threshhold, it only serves to make Christine cry even harder. "Mom, I really don't know what to do here. I'm sorry…"

" It's all right, son." She breathes gently, a gesture of comfort clear in her voice. " This is clearly an undiscovered country for all of us."

So I settle on crumpling on the ground at the foot of the bed. I try to keep in the eyesight of my baby, hoping not to upset her any more than I have, but I'm lost. So I take to breathing in and out, hoping that it calms my racing heart and mind.

After what seems like hours, the room is quiet again. Mom is still there with Christine in her ams, who oddly enough, is wide awake. "Mom should I?" I offer, not quite knowing where this is going. Christine makes herself known again, but this time it's different. It's all most a sound of impatience or eagerness.

" I think she might have just been waiting for her daddy to calm down. She was worried" my mother muses.

I take Christine in my arms once more, but once again she confounds me. She starts wailing again. I can't help but feel the sweat running down my face and the convulsions start coursing throughout my body. "Christine, I'm so sorry…" I croak, not sure if it's more to soothe her or myself.

"Edward, maybe she's just telling you how much she's been worried about you" my mother offers in between sobs.

So once again I find myself just holding her and trying to not let my insecurities conquer me. "This might be a long night" my mother nervously laughs. "Anything on the agenda for tomorrow?"

"Actually, I was going to take her to the doctor tomorrow. You know, just to get her checked out. I was also thinking about stopping into the office. It's only on a different floor." I muse.

" Well that doesn't sound too bad. We need to make sure she's on the right track and that she's ok" my mother agrees. " She seems pretty healthy though. Don't you think?"

"I guess? I'm not an expert on babies." I shrug. Really, I'm not. I deal with a few infants at work, but that's about it.

" Well she seems healthy to me. I mean, she's a pretty happy baby, considering what she's been through."

_Pretty happy considering her mother abandoned her and her father is an incompetent git. Unfortunately for her, I guess I'm all she's got. Poor kid._

" Anyways, I'm not a doctor, but I think she's fine. You're doing a great job with her. Don't doubt yourself. Just listen to your instincts and follow her cues. Do that and you'll be fine." my mother continues.

"Thanks, mom" I breathe out, relieved.

"No problem," my mother smiles. "And by the way, I like it when you call me, Mom."

Going forward I'm going unbeta'd so the mistake are all mine.

Quick story recommendation.

Wisp by Cris. Truly one of the better Twilight fictions out there.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Luckily, last night wasn't as rough as the night before it. Christine woke up twice during the night, so I fed her and cleaned her up afterwards. Of course she still wanted to be held all night, which was exhausting, but all in all, I'll take it.

As I approach the hospital, my stomach is all in knots and I'm more nervous than I've ever been coming into work. How nervous I feel makes the first day that I started working here all those years ago, seem like nothing. For the first time in a while, I don't park in the employee lot, but in the patient lot. As I get out of the car with Christine, I can't help but feel nervous as to how we're going to be received.

Luckily, we get through the doors and up to pediatrics relatively under the radar. I can't help but feel that some of the orderlies and nurses were murmuring, however. I walk up to the front counter and start to really face the music.

"Hi, I'm Edward Cullen, checking in my daughter Christine." I state, in as professional a manner as I can muster.

"Ah yes, Mr. Cullen, I see you have an appointment at ten with Dr. Smith. Please fill out these forms and bring them back and the doctor will be in to see you shortly." The nurse replies mechanically, not even bothering to looking up when she hands me the forms. Even though I'm a bit perturbed by her lack of courtesy, I take the paperwork and go sit in the waiting room and fill out what needs to be completed.

A few minutes later I'm finally able to return with the forms. I've never realized how tedious forms could be for patients, but I'm more than aware now_. Good grief to bad rubbish._

As I walk up to the reception area and hand the receptionist the forms, she in fact does look up this time around and recognition flashes in her eyes. "Thank….. Thank you, Mr. Cullen" she stammers, clearly surprised at who she sees. I give her a curt nod and head back to my chair with Christine.

Luckily we don't wait too long. In fact, I have a distinct feeling we're being seen a head of schedule because there are patients still waiting. I decide to keep that observation to myself for now, but it's definitely something that I'll bring up the next time I see anyone from the board of directors.

We're led to one of the examination rooms by another nurse. Luckily, she doesn't seem to ogle at me, but just does her job. I almost stop dead at one of the blood pressure cuffs and scales, but she leads on undeterred. When I step in the room I see why as the scale and measuring devices in the waiting room are clearly more suitable for infants. Christine gets weighed and her length recorded. I assist with the later, as it's clear that my daughter has decided to be a little squirmier than usual.

"Mr. Cullen, you really don't need to do that" the nurse insists. Her name plate reads Lauren, so I decide to address her directly.

"Lauren, I have some experience with hospitals and babies and I know they can be a handful," I offer. It's clear she doesn't know who I am and I'm split about this. Usually it's wonderful to just pop in under the radar, but for once, I'd like to be accepted as a qualified medical professional. Of course that's impossible without formally announcing who I am.

Luckily though, once I get involved, Christine is a bit more compliant, though it's clear that she's not really happy right now. After all that's done Nurse Lauren leaves the room. About 5 minutes later, the doctor finally arrives.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Smith." She greets.

"Edward Cullen and this is my little girl, Christine." I was hoping you would be wiling to help us out today." I offer.

"Wait… Edward Cullen you say? Dr. Edward Cullen? But..." Recognition is clearly dawning on her. Her face morphs from surprise to joy to laughter.

"Guilty" I laugh. "Please, don't hold it against me."

"Well…. how did this happen?" she laughs.

Even though it seemed like every little fiber of my body was warning me against it, a part of me was yearning to say it. I guess I had to take a leap of faith somewhere so why not another doctor.

"Well, it was actually just one time with a girl I knew" I laugh.

"It just takes one time, Edward" she giggles. "Are you sure you're a doctor?"

"Quite sure" I retort. "Anyways, along with her check up, I was hoping you could set up a paternity test. Now, I'm not really doubting she's mine, but, I just want to make sure…"

"Umm… sure" she stammers. Clearly this was not something she was expecting. "I'm sure we can set up something, although you do know we have a DNA diagnostics center, right?"

"I guess? I've never really had a need for it" I reply, trying to relieve the tension in the room.

Luckily she recovers quickly and performs a very thorough examination on Christine, who despite my best efforts was clearly not a happy lady.

"Dr. Smith, I apologize for being so abrupt earlier, it's just this kind of suddenly happened to me without any warning." I admit, my voice trailing off at the end.

"Edward, it's clear what's happened to you has led to some big changes in your life. But you really need to think about what's best for your daughter now. I'll get the DNA test set up for you, but after it's done, I hope you'll put some of your fears to bed. She needs you. And I need to be an active partner in her care." she admonishes.

"Thank you, Dr. Smith. I hope after the DNA test is over, I'll be able to be the person you expect me to be." I sigh.

"Edward, it's not about me. It's not even about you. It's about your daughter. She's the important one here who needs your love and consideration. She's not just some lab mouse you can get leave at night and come back to in the morning. I really hope you can be the man she needs you to be." she adds. It's remarkable how much she looks like Rosalie at this moment, but I keep that thought to myself.

"Oh if you could tell Rose I said 'hi' that would be appreciated." She concludes, as if she can read my thoughts.

"Umm, how do you know Rosalie and how did you know that I'm her brother in law?" I stammer, not quite sure where this is going.

"She used to be my room mate and when I moved out here we reconnected. She's mentioned you a few times." She replies, non chalantly. "Anyways, given what you've been through you're doing fine."

"I'm just trying to survive" I confess.

"A lot of parents, even in the best of circumstances are just like you. Just trying to survive. Now unless there's anything else you need, I'm sure you want to get out of here and go home." She quips.

"Thanks, Dr. Smith." I conclude.

After filling out a few more forms, I make my way back to the Pediatric Neurology Department. Even though it's only been a few days, it sure feels like a lifetime since I last stepped foot in here.

"Hi, Nurse Marshall. I was just in the area so I thought I'd come to see if I had any messages." I say, thanking god silently that it's not one of the _other_ nurses on duty.

"Oh hi, Dr. Cullen. I thought the memo said that you were taking the rest of the week off..." she trails off.

"I am, I just wanted to save some time." I reply.

"Oh…" she deadpans. Her eyes finally flicker towards Christine and go wide.

"This isn't what you're thinking..." I shoot out, the words flying out of my mouth at warp speed.

"Then are my eyes playing tricks on me, Dr. Cullen? Or is that a baby I see?" she questions.

"She's my daughter. And we were just finished with her appointment." I state, not in a mood to give details.

"Well it looks like she's just fine." She coos.

"Yes she is." I stammer, dazzled by the change in her tone. "Anyways, I think we really do need to get going."

I really don't know what to think right now. When I came back to the hospital, I expected an inquiry from my colleagues, but this is getting a bit weird. And once again, as if on cue, Christine starts to cry. I glance at the clock on the wall and see that's she's probably hungry. So I sit down in the lobby and take out a bottle to feed her.

But before I can get the bottle into her mouth I hear a voice above me and look up. "It's all right Dr. Cullen. We can get you set up in your office. I'm sure it'll be easier on her and more comfortable for you" smiles Nurse Marshall. If I was being honest with myself, I didn't even consider the implications of feeding her in the waiting room. And now that the thought is in my mind, she's absolutely right.

"Thank you" I smile. Slowly, but gently I gather my things while also carrying Christine. It's very awkward, but somehow I manage to gather all of my things without really jostling her. While she's not distraught, she definitely voices her complains, a little quieter than I would have expected, much to my relief.

When I finally get settled in my office, the events of the day finally start to catch up to me. While it's relatively comfortable in my office, my shoulders and back ache and I'm definitely sleepier than I thought I was. "

"That's just precious" a voice sighs.

I look up and see none other than Dr. Jessica Stanley. I'm more than bewildered at this point, but in my current sleep deprived haze, I have no idea what my face looks like.

"You know, Dr. Cullen, that's one of the last things I thought I'd ever see" she giggles shaking her head. "But wow, you with a baby in tow. And it just looks so… natural."

"Yeah, tell me about it" I reply, a breath escaping me before I can stop it. "It's new, but, I don't know, overwhelming?"

"I can imagine. My sister just had a baby a few months ago and it's almost like I'm seeing a different girl. But you..." her voice trials off.

"Yep. Me. But I guess I'm all she's got, at least for now."

"But what about your family? Don't they help you out at all? I can imagine it must be really tough" she persists, although there's an obvious note of regret and sadness.

Even though we may not have started out on the best of circumstances, Dr. Stanley and I have come to an understanding and I can easily say that she is a compassionate person who does care about the welfare of her patients and their families. While we didn't see each other often, given that we worked in different departments, collaboration between pediatrics and pediatric neurology is common, as it allows for better care for our younger and more vulnerable patients.

"They do, but I'm still getting used to all of this. The sleepless nights, the feedings, the neediness. It's just so…" I trail off, abrupting cutting off my diatribe.

"That's true. Babies are a lot of work. I love my nephew, but he does seem to give his mother a lot of grief." She nods sympathetically. "She loves you though."

" Yeah well…." I'm really not sure at what people are getting at.

I've had several people say she loves me or something of the sort, but I mean does she really? I mean, I bathe her, cloth her, help feed her.

But _love_?

Really? Can she even feel love?

Do babies even feel love?

As if she's answering my mind Dr. Stanley continues, "I've seen a lot of babies, and she's definitely taken with you. She truly loves her daddy. And Edward, if you ever need a hand or at least some advice, take my card. I'm pretty sure I can help you." She then places her card on the table much to my astonishment.

"Give me a call sometime. It helps even if the person is just another adult. Even the best of children drive their parents off the wall." And with that, she walks out with a smile, leaving me with the mess that are my thoughts.

I don't really get time to catch my breath as Nurse Marshall walks back into the room. "And how is Stanford Medical's newest dad doing?"

"Shouldn't you be with a patient?" I ask breathlessly.

"It's actually a pretty light day. Everyone that needs to be taken care of is being attended to and I'm pretty sure not many more patients are scheduled for today anyways. No one wants to come to the doctor on a Friday" she laughs.

"I'd imagine not. I'm actually doing ok. Just wish there were more hours in the day." I yawn hugely drawing a laugh.

"I'd think so. Just wow. Dr. Cullen, you have a baby. Who would have thought? I mean, I guess you did you know make it happen. But just wow. Look at you now. A dad and everything.

"Honestly, I'm the last person who would have wanted a baby. But now she's here. Of course, I made certain decisions and have to live with the consequences of my decisions. But she deserves love…"

"I know. Trust me, I know that all too well" Kate responds kindly. And the truth of it is we all know. Of course there are the families that everyone yearns for and dreams about, but we also have families where the parents honestly don't give a shit about their kids. They are no more important than a handbag or another car. While working in this hospital has its benefits, we also get to see the less savory side of affluence.

"Anyways, you're a great doctor. The kids really respond well to you."

"Yeah I guess" I shrug.

"Honestly, you know how big that is? They're parents don't care and going to the hospital is hard enough. To have someone, a doctor no less actually care about them as people is huge" she insists. "You're great with your patients and now that you have one of your own, you'll only be a better doctor for it.

"Yeah." The phone in office abruptly starts to ring and reflexively I answer it.

"Dr. Cullen speaking."

"Hello, Dr Cullen? It's Aro. I was wondering if you'd be available on Monday. We're meeting with some of the people working on the new complex and we'd like your input."

Originally I had planned on returning to work on Monday without skipping a beat, but given how the past few days have turned out, I have no idea if I'll be able to return by then. However I decide that worst that can happen is that I just come for the meeting and head back home afterwards.

" Aro, I'll be there Monday."

" Thanks. The meeting starts at around 11." And with that, we say our goodbyes.

I notice that Nurse Marshall is still standing there. "I'm sorry about that. The phone rang and I just automatically answered it" I say, sheepishly.

" Don't worry. The hospital does funny things to our brains. And besides, it's your office." She winks. "Anyway, I need to get back to my patients"

" I guess I should head out too. I still need to check in with the day care center before I head home."

" Good luck Dr. Cullen, but do know that I'm sure you could bring her up some days if you wanted to. I do know that there are several people who wouldn't mind baby sitting for you." She giggles as she walks out.

Given that there isn't any pressing business to handle in the office I head over to the day care center on the ground level. When I walk in the door I head over to the day care center where I'm met with a kind but older woman who gives me a look of clear confusions and incredulousness as to why I'd be there.

"Hello, sir. Do you need directions somewhere?"

"Hello, I'm Dr. Edward Cullen, I work for the Pediatric Neurology Department and I was told that this is the on site day care center for hospital employees?" I inquire, keeping my tone polite.

"Ah yes. Let me check with HR just to make sure of a few things." She replies, her voice ending with a bit of a hardened edge.

"Please go right ahead." At this point I'm a bit annoyed. While it's understandable that she needs to verify things, I really don't see that many people trying to defraud the day care center out. She also sounded as if I didn't even belong there.

As I see and her murmuring through the phone, I also notice that something definitely has her spooked because her eyes have suddenly become very large at some of the comments she's hearing.

After she's finished she comes back over to me. " I'm sorry Dr. Cullen, I just had to verify with Human Resources that you have a child. So you said you're looking for some child care?" Her voice has become notably softer and kinder, although it's clear she's embarrassed.

"Yes. I'm going to need to make some arrangements for Christine here while I'm working." I reply.

" Your daughter is beautiful, Dr. Cullen." She sighs. "And I'm sorry about before. Unfortunately we've had some people try to get free care while not even working at the hospital."

" I completely understand" I chuckle. While I'm not sure what would possess people to defraud the hospital's day care center it does make some kind of sense as good child care is fairly expensive.

" You'd be surprised." She laughs humorlessly. "I'm Nancy Hammond, by the way. I'm the Child Care Coordinator. I have to admit, Dr. Cullen, you do have a bit of a reputation."

" I guessed as much. I've been told though that my patients like me, although the nurses not so much" I offer.

" That's about right, so I admit when saw your name I thought you'd be difficult. But I can see you love your daughter very much. I have to ask though. What about her mother?

I can feel the blood slowly drain from my face.. "Umm. She's not in the picture." I nervously laugh. Normally I wouldn't think to offer this detail to strangers, but something tells me I should tell her.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea. It's just not every day you get a doctor coming in with an unknown baby" she shakes her head apologetically. "Usually, there's some sort of announcement in the employee's department or we'll hear it through the grapevine."

"About that. She just sort of appeared on my doorstep. Trust me, I would have loved some advanced warning about her. I love her, but, well I would have loved to be prepared."

"Wouldn't we all? But unfortunately babies don't come with a manual" she chuckles.

"No they certainly don't. Anyways, I was just hoping to check out the day care center, as well as see how well it lines up with my schedule."

" Well, HR did mention that you seem to work pretty regular hours, but sometimes you get called away for meetings. And of course you get put on call?" she asks.

" That's about right, although I haven't had an on call shift in quite a while with the expansion and everything. To be quite honest, I'm not quite sure how it will work going forward."

"Let's just cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm sure that your schedule should be more flexible now that you have a baby anyways. What's her name?" she asks.

"Her name is Christine. And I would hope my schedule is a bit flexible, although I'm not sure how the hospital accommodates single parents."

"Well, there are only a few single fathers in the system, but we'll see what we can do. As you can see, this is our facility. We're able to separate the toddlers from the younger ones. Of course with your little girl being so young, she'll have plenty of attention. You should also know that we could set up a video feed for you to see her. We'll also be in contact if something happens and you could always visit if you have some time…"

" Of course. It's good to see you care about the children so much." I say. It's the truth, no need to sugar coat anything.

"Absolutely, we know our doctors and nurses take care of our patients so we love to do the same for their families. Anyways, let's see what we can do about your schedule."

"I'm technically scheduled to start on Monday at about 9. I'm not really sure I can leave her yet though." I admit sheepishly.

She chuckles. "That's natural, especially for new parents. If you do come in on Monday, how about your check in around 8:30 just so that we can get things squared away."

" That sounds great." I offer. This really couldn't have gone any better. Aside from the little snafu in the beginning I'm pretty happy right now. With the arrangement for Christine finally made, I roll out of the hospital and back home.

Clearly there's more to this than I anticipated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Let me know what you think._

Story recs:

Dear Bella by lellabeth

Synopsis:

December 22 is the only day I let myself think of you. I don't know if you remember, but I'd do anything to forget.


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